It’s true, I have completely lost my grip on the marriage I once thought would last forever. I have to share this story – not just because I need to in order to heal and learn and grow – but because I think others need to see how actions and behaviors can truly damage people so deeply that they just can’t ever recover. Or they choose not to.

I met him when I was 18. I remember thinking he was a dork, so – no first impression rose there. But he stole my heart with his determination and resolve to put me at a place with my weight where I could be a Marine, if I wanted to. Weeks of bike rides, phone calls and laughter sealed the deal for me.

Little did I know what would become of it.

He was my first real boyfriend, but it never did sink in that he was playing around, away from his wife at the time – he didn’t wear a ring. I had no idea. I knew he was interested in another girl, so the competition was on.

Within the first months of our relationship, I was in the two major battles of my lifetime. One for my weight – the other for his love.

Looking back now, I can see the writing on the wall. And me, with a great big can of spray paint, trying to cover it all up.

It wasn’t long before I did give him that rose, with a note that said “I have a feeling that one day I’ll be marrying you.” If you ever want to do something to scare off a guy, girls – that’d do it. I wore my heart on my sleeve and let him take it and break it a hundred times over. It’s okay, I thought – tough, enduring love will always win in the end.

Except it doesn’t.

This is a military life. A military story – with a military ending. This is what can happen inside a military marriage, after the military is done with you. This is a tale of post traumatic stress disorder gone horribly wrong, a story about how pushing a military man to his limits doesn’t make him want to succeed, it makes him feel like he failed.

I squeezed in just enough time (and space) in my studio to snap a shot of the girls for their annual portrait! This is the version I used to create our annual ornaments this year, though I did them a little differently – printing them on metallic paper backed with matboard instead of my usual dough ornament. I designed this years ornament completely in Photoshop. (Talk about timesaver!)

Here’s how they turned out. Nice! I love the metallic paper and how the lights reflect off of it on the tree. Thanks to Miller’s Lab for the awesome prints!!

I also wanted to mention Catie’s jacket – we were going with a layered look for her so she could wear the scarf that her friend brought back from a missions trip in Tanzania last summer, and Lee Jeans was awesome enough to provide us with their Women’s Vintage Light Denim Jacket for her to wear. It’s an awesome jacket and she just loves it! I think it really gives their portrait the rugged/vintage look that I was going for this year and I’m just tickled to be able to share their products with you. (Side note, I also picked up 2 pair of their slender secret flap pocket jeans in charcoal and Spy and LOVE LOVE LOVE. You’ve gotta try these jeans!)

Now I think I’ve got you completely caught up on my Christmas happenings, and it’s just about time to ring in the New Year! 2011?! Already?!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, too!!

This Christmas season has left me with little time to put my annual greetings in the mail. I need to remember next year not to complain when the Christmas displays go up in the stores in October – because I am finding out as years go by that starting Christmas in October is not such a bad idea! Though I’m out of time for printing and addressing cards this year, I went ahead and designed our card this year and thought I’d share it with you here. If you would like a 5×7 of this to print out and display, please just drop me an e-mail and I would be delighted to send you the file for printing.

I’ve also created a couple of desktop wallpapers you can download:
1024×768: http://intricateart.com/download-manager.php?id=28
1920×1080: http://intricateart.com/download-manager.php?id=29

The cross this year is an ornament made by our youngest, Jayden. We attended church with friends of ours while we were out of town and in His perfect timing, they made ornaments. Since we collect crosses and hadn’t found one yet this year, it was meant to be. The angel is a noodle ornament made by my mom and sister. She fit right into the verse. :)

Merry Christmas, friends. I hope you all have a blessed day celebrating Christ’s birth. Much love from my family to yours!!! xox

I wake up each morning and I talk to God. It’s true. In my head, God and I have a little conversation every day, and it typically goes something like this:

Me: [yawn, stretch] Hey, God. Whew. Made it. Thank you for another day. So, what’chya got in store for me today?

God: [startles me with the jarring buzz of the alarm clock]

Me: okay, okay. I’m already up. Did you have to give me a heart attack right off the bat?

God: [cue lower back pain.]

Me: Got it. Stretching. Thanks for reminding me. So [touching toes] I was wondering, God, just what is it, exactly, you want me to do today? You know how unproductive I am when I’m going in a million directions and am unsure of what you want me to accomplish for your Glory. What can I do to make it happen today?

I move around and do morning things, mind spinning – what time is it? Where’s my coffee mug? Oh yeah, I have to get the vitamins out for the girls and take my prescriptions. Hm. Mindless activities fill the next several minutes as I wonder what He might have planned for me today. I wake up my computer and check mail.

Me: No? Okay, well, I didn’t hear back about that project (a drawing) or that project (code) OR that project (design) so… really? Today’s the day, God? I have been hoping for a day that I could get things done on my own site, to finally get my own portfolio done and… what? What did you say?

God: [delivers e-mail: client regarding project #1]

Me: Oh. Okay. Well, I’ll work on that, then.

God: [delivers e-mail: client regarding project #3]

Me: Well, shoot. Now what? Do you want me to just put this other stuff off that’s been tugging at me for months?

God: [reminder: that coupon for the free turkey expires tomorrow.]

Me: Okay, okay, I’ll take a shower, and go get the free turkey, then I think I really need to just get that project done I’ve been procrastinating.

God: [don't forget about your kids. Insert parental issue here.]

So, I woke up prepared to do whatever God had in store for me today, and He had life in store. And here it is, taking me one direction, then swiftly in another – over bumps, around bends, flowing down this twisty windy lifelike stream.

I wonder if God just uses Mondays to get us ready for the rest of the week?

‘Tis the season – hubby is outside cleaning up the leaves and getting ready to burn them and my youngest (now 9) demands he wait so that she can have a romp before they’re gone. Oh – but they’ll be back, for certain – our own tree hasn’t even fallen yet so there will be plenty more where these came from, but she is out there enjoying herself at the moment. We older girls (the smart ones) have opted to stay inside and keep warm while dicing up onions and browning some ground turkey to make a crock pot of chili!

Huh. She just came in and showed me that she “found a little bit of the inside of a stick”. With the small joys and wonders of childhood come the big joys and wonders of parenthood!

I have to admit, as is the annual event here in my house, I become a bit more morose through the winter months. I am already beginning to feel trapped. I’m not a fan of cold weather, not a fan of frozen nosies or toesies, not a fan of driving on snow or ice, not a fan of sliding through stop signs or shivering inside a frozen car until the engine warms up – so I’ll stay inside and bake and cook until spring comes. I will probably also need to reacquaint myself with Captain NordicTrack, too!

For now, for today, I’ll enjoy the smell of chili drifting through the house (that’s whispering .. corn bread … you need corrrrnnnn breadddd….) — for now, I’ll record the smiles and smells and tuck them away in my mind for those days when the winter blues really get me down. For now, for today – I’ll live vicariously through the joy I see on my little girls face as she plays in a pile of leaves.

Hey there! I’ve been busy as ever over here. Between Senior portrait sessions, retouching, prints, Grad party postcard design (isn’t it cool?!) and a graphite portrait here and there – every day has been jam packed with fun stuff! And also, random stuff – like doctor and dental appointments, carpet cleaners, soccer practices, window installations – and workouts!

Did you know that working out was a part time gig? It takes almost my entire morning to get fit, showered and ready to work for the day. It’s a commitment in a big way – and no wonder why so many people can’t and don’t fit it into their schedules. I decided in January to make my health and fitness a priority again – and even dragged my tired old treadmill out of the house last month in place of a new, fancy treadmill that has a fantastic shock absorption deck. (It’s a NordicTrack) I am glad I’ve made the commitment, I feel so much better and I am not fatigued when I do a “one day” chore like painting a room including the ceiling – or doing a full day of yardwork!

In other news – I don’t think I ever updated here about my e-mail glitch. I was getting a ton of spam so went in and created a filter. For spam. Except it wasn’t for spam, it was for everything BUT spam! I’m such a dummy. It took me a week or so to figure that out. (But boy, did I get a lot done that week. lol) So if you e-mailed me and I never replied, please don’t think me rude. Think it fell off the face of my server, because I selected “does not” instead of “does”.

Once my schedule opens up a little bit – I’ll be sharing and showing a few more projects in the works but for now, I need to get started on today’s to-do’s.

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying this AMAZING weather – Spring has sprung and I’ve got the fever! I’d love for you to become a Fan on Facebook – if you haven’t already – and/or send me a friend request to stay up to date with the minute by minute details of my crazy days!

So, here I am. Sitting in front of a blank screen for the first time in nearly a month, trying to put together the words that will convey what’s going on inside my head and heart.

I’ve known that I needed to write, I’ve known how cathartic it is for me, but I’ve put it off. I’m almost ashamed of the thoughts and feelings I have, because the older I get, the more bitter and critical I seem to become. I would almost prefer to put a roll of duct tape in my purse and around my hands, some days.

Then, the more I think about that, the more I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. The older we get, the more we realize how seriously messed up we are, each in our own way, and how much more magnified those faults seem to be when we’re older and are so much more in tune with people. Personally, I think it’s because it’s not until later in life that we really realize how important people are in our lives. But, just like acne, the more it’s magnified, the uglier it is.

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty ugly.

I have tried to avoid one certain truth in my life – that I would turn into my parents. I denied it, I tried to mask it – I do my damndest not to let it invade my mind – but here it is. It’s here, and I have to deal with it. It’s called cynicism. I am my own worst critic, and I am also everyone elses worst critic. In my head, at least. I am a danger to society should I be let loose and free to speak my opinion, and so I am very grateful that my place, behind this monitor – inside this house, in my corner of the world, is safely tucked away from real human interaction.

Except for the loved ones who are subject to my presence, whom I offer my condolences – you’ve lost a once bright, cheerful, happy, energetic and outgoing person and she’s left this icky person in her place.

So now, my task – what do I do with this? How can I be the person I was – given the exact same surroundings, with all of the exact same things that have driven me to this mindset?

How does someone really initiate the change they desperately need, without allowing their immediate circle of influence to affect it? I would love the answer to that one. And I’m sure a million others would, too.

I know that I am fortunate. I have been blessed. Not just with the gift of creativity, but with the circumstances to be able to put them to maximum use and a support system to encourage me. But there’s this nagging inside of me that is completely displeased. Displeased with how everything is going, unhappy with the relationships I have, feeling broken and distant from the people I know, deep down, that I truly love.

I could go paint. I could write. I guess I am writing. I hope you don’t mind. Though not the story that I could and should write, but just the abbreviated, vague version that is as safe as I can possibly be, because at the heart of it all, the last thing I want to do is negatively impact the things that are negatively impacting me. Strange, how that works. Or in this case, doesn’t. I’m not really sure.

I could grab my camera and go for a drive – but none of these things stop the swarm of words that surround my head and beg to be dealt with. None of those things will draw me closer to an answer or a new revelation about how to change my life right. this. very. second.

My life right now is a mass of sticky notes and appointments, of code and design and of seeking approval from other people from just about every single thing I do. I guess after a long period of time, maybe I feel tied down in my creativity and my insides are begging to break free. The terrifying thing about that, however, is the breaking free part. The “to hell with it all” part that I think every few years, every human being needs a little of.

The deeper I look inside myself, the more confused I become, and the more I want to just be one of those people who doesn’t think so deeply. Who doesn’t give any consideration to how my actions or words might affect someone else. Who doesn’t analyze. Who doesn’t attach everything to feelings and emotions and issues that need to be handled or discussed.

The deeper I look inside myself, the more I realize that I’m not really disappointed with the world, I am disappointed in myself, and my own failures. I expect too much, from others as well as myself. I still, after all these years, depend on others for my own happiness. I am reactionary, I am over-sensitive, and honest to God, I think I am over-thoughtful, if that is possible. Not so much in that I am always thinking about other people, but that I am always thinking about how my actions might affect other people. Trying to stay out of everyone’s way, and feeling run over in the process.

In all of this, I can only pray that I am normal. That this is normal. This is just a phase, this is just a day, these are just thoughts that will vanish and tomorrow I’ll wake up without a headache ready to tackle the world and really, truly love the people that I love. Tomorrow, perhaps will be the turning point. Tomorrow, I’ll have an epiphany and all will be right with the world once again.

Tonight, however, someone magical might have to wave a wand over my head or sprinkle some fairy dust on me while I’m sleeping in order to make that happen.

I’m one year older.
One year further away from my birth.
One year closer to my death.
One year less afraid of that occurrence.
One year less worried about how people feel about me.
One year more worried about how I feel about myself.
One year closer to attaining my goals.
One year stronger in character and set in my ways.
One more year to look back with very few regrets.

One year closer to driving like a complete lunatic and making everyone else on the road angry.

Funny – all of those things apply this year, too! I feel more and more blessed with each passing year, and though I woke up in a bit of a panic this morning that I’m reaching “old”, I am so grateful for that. I am so glad that I’ve made it another year on this planet, that I’ve had a little bit more time to somehow make a difference to at least a handful of people. I’m grateful for the friends who have stayed with me, I am grateful for the friends I’ve yet to make.

Days like today are special, they are days to wake up and realize that you MATTER. You matter. What you do is significant, even if only to one person. And that’s a big deal.

Have a birthday muffin, on me!! (it’s a couple of years old, but I’ve brushed off the mold. Promise.)

A female cardinal perched on my fence this morning.

A friend of mine on Facebook asked last week asked her friends what our New Year’s Resolutions were. I told her – my resolution will be the same as last year, unless I upgrade my monitor!! Ha ha! Okay so you’d have to be a techno-geek to get that one right away, but I laughed out loud at my own cleverness. (I’m usually the only one who does, but I digress…)

My resolutions this year are the same as they are every other year. You know? I’d like to continue to grow my business. I’d like to treat people better, be kinder, be smarter, be wiser. I’d like to laugh more, stress less, take more photos and tell more stories. I’d like to spend my year in a creative process, while loving my family, treating them well, taking care of the ones I love and praising God for all that He’s blessed me with. I’d like to be ever mindful of my friends and all that they invest in our friendships – and give back as much if not more than they give me.

I’d like to lose 30 pounds. Dangit – I hate that 30 pounds. Hate it with a passion. Why is that always on my dang list? Bah. They follow me around, quite literally, behind me – everywhere I go. They must be gone, and I will re-commit to that endeavor every morning. I’ll be healthy this year, because I am sick of being sick. Last year was tough – I spent a majority of it, it seems, with some kind of virus or bacteria invading my system. Not this year.

This year, I have a lot of plans, and dreams! I’ll be shooting my first Wedding in May, traveling a bit – painting, designing – and I’m sure I’ll be doing plenty of gardening! I’d like to re-paint some rooms in our home, knock some walls down, and pay off some credit cards.

This year is going to be a great year, and I’m excited and ready to share it with you!!

What about you? And more importantly – how can I inspire or motivate you to help you reach your goals? I’d really like to know.