I am a serious mess. I wonder how long it’s going to be before I stop crying? Before the swelling in my face goes down from all the crying?

When we returned from the fireworks on Tuesday night, we went about getting the girls tucked into bed. Mark was taking care of things, closing windows and curtains and that sort of thing. He asked if we should leave the pool filter on all night, and I said yes. He made Chloe her dinner and went to check on her. I peeked out the back door to ask if he thought leaving the filter on was a good idea, and I saw him with her. He said she wasn’t okay, and I went out to them. He said she couldn’t walk, and I was confused for a minute. I didn’t understand – how could she not walk? She was walking when we left. He held her backside up while her front legs wanted to walk around – and I guided her into her bed in the garage.

We gave her food and water, and she lapped up the water like she’d been lying out in the grass for hours. She had wound herself around the shrub out back as she was freaking out from the fireworks. She’s always been afraid of fireworks, loud booms, thunder. She probably tried to unwind, and wound herself further, and then completely stressed out and hurt her already failing hips and legs in a way that completely disabled her.

We knew. Mark and I looked at eachother and with tears in our eyes we knew that it was time. We couldn’t let her continue on without the ability to get up and move around. We knew it was coming – but we didn’t know it would happen in a matter of a few hours, that it would be a decision we had to make in a matter of minutes. She wanted to get up, she dragged her hind end around – she kept trying. It was heartbreaking.

We hoped she’d feel better by morning. I prayed that the Good Lord would take her while she slept that night so that we wouldn’t have to take away what He gave her. I fell asleep crying, kleenex in hand, cradled in my husbands arms while he wept, too.

We woke yesterday morning, early, and worried. We went to check on her, and she was lying on her bed. There was a puddle on the rug beside her matress, at some point she dragged herself over and went potty, and dragged herself back to her bed. She was awake, and we loved on her for a few minutes and opened up the door so she could go outside if she wanted.

Mark had to leave for work, he said his goodbyes before he left.

I started making phone calls. Chloe’s vet makes house calls, since Chloe couldn’t travel with her hips being so bad that was a real blessing. I left her several urgent messages but didn’t hear back, and inbetween messages I was checking on Chloe to see if she was alright. She was determined to get around. She wanted to go outside, but couldn’t. She made a couple more puddles on the garage floor. I helped her back to her mattress, and she kept looking at me like I could fix what was wrong. My heart was breaking.

More phone calls, more trying to figure out how to get her seen, how to ease her pain. I couldn’t lift her into my car – I couldn’t take the girls, things were so complicated – why wouldn’t her vet call back? Finally, I went out to check on her again and she had dragged herself out into the grass. She was lying beside a fresh puddle, and I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t watch her struggle to get around, it was so sad. I called my friend, she came and helped me get Chloe into my car and took my girls. I drove Chloe to the vet.

Chloe enjoyed the ride, lapping up the breeze in the backseat. I opened up all the windows and she looked happy, even though she was panting like crazy.

The truly suckey part began.

The Vet tech helped me carry her in. We went straight to the room and set her on the floor. Chloe wanted to get around and sniff things, and she was nervous. I sat on the floor beside her and held her, petted her and cried. The Tech gave her an injection to knock her out, and within a few minutes she was asleep and snoring in my lap. I held her, cried all over her, and cherished her soft fur beneath my hands. I whispered to her that we loved her, I apologized to her for her pain and for having to let her go. I sobbed and wept and couldn’t contain myself – and didn’t even bother trying to. I was relieved to feel her breathing calm down to slow, deep breaths from the rapid breathing and panting she had been doing for the last few days. I smiled hearing her snore, and straightened out her head in my lap so she would stop. I cradled her, my baby girl, and hoped she felt me loving her as she drifted off.

The tech returned and administered her final injection, and I continued holding her and loving her, apologizing and crying, as she exhaled I heard a sigh, and I knew she was gone. The tech checked her heart and told me what I already knew. She left and I stayed with Chloe and closed her eyes, sobbed more, and said goodbye. I took her collar, a choker chain, and when I left I hung it from my rear view mirror.

The sobbing has continued on since yesterday – I can’t stop. It’s sporadic, it’s painful. I knew I would be sad, but I had no idea. This is awful, mourning my baby girl. Wondering if we did the right thing, knowing she’s not in pain anymore – feeling guilt about whether or not she knew we loved her, that she knew I loved her.

Knowing that I won’t hear her barking when strangers are around anymore. Falling asleep lastnight crying, hearing noises, and grabbing the phone to fall asleep with it cradled under my arm. Feeling like there will never be another Chloe. I don’t want another dog. I don’t want to compare another dog to Chloe. Chloe was the best – she didn’t bark randomly, she barked with intent to warn or get our attention. She had enough oompf in her bark to make people think she could be dangerous. In 13 years, she never bit anyone.

Chloe cared for her babies, her stuffies. When she was little, she’d rip them up to shreds. We always bought her the same one, a purple and yellow dino/turtle thing. She’d tear it up, we’d get her a new one. It wasn’t long before she babied it, and if the stuffing started to come out she’d lick it like a wound and try to make it better. Her last stuffie was a white cow, she dragged it out with her in the rain, mud and snow – and it was beside her on her bed, in tact, on her last night with us. She had that one for years, and it was in perfect shape, albeit dirty. I’ll wash it, and have another good cry over it, I’m sure.

She was such an everyday automatic thought, just a part of our family. Seeing her empty lead lying on the sidewalk was sad. Cleaning up her food dishes, dragging soiled rugs out of the garage, putting her brushes away. Things I never imagined myself doing. Her presence was calming, and made me feel safe, protected. Her bark was ingrained in my brain, I knew it like you’d know your child was crying in a group of 50 children. I just can’t believe it ended, just like that, so abruptly. I knew it was coming, I knew her health was failing, her hearing was nearly gone. I just didn’t know we’d be making that decision. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. I didn’t know how much I thought about her and how much I loved her until I had to let her go.

Now I feel so selfish. Here she was, struggling to move around with only her front legs – and in her mind, she just wanted to go potty. She just wanted that fresh breeze in her face. She just wanted me to pet her. She just wanted to sniff out that cat that had been in that room. She lapped up water and acted like everything was normal, she just had a new obstacle to climb. Me, I couldn’t bear it. We couldn’t watch her health deteriorate any further, we couldn’t carry her back end for her every time she wanted to go out.

I’m bawling, I’m missing her, I’m so sad and my heart aches so much over the loss of our baby girl, and she’s on to a better existence, where I hope and pray she’s enjoying herself and that she just knows she’s special and that she was loved. so. much. I hope she gets a special place for the really great and tender souls, and that she checks in on us and that maybe, sometimes, that I’ll hear her barking at strangers near our yard. I hope she’s sitting pretty, and lapping up fresh water and getting only the green milk bones.

I hope she knows that she taught me a thing or two over the last 13 years, even if I only realized it in her final hours. I hope this pain subsides, and I hope I don’t spend every moment trying not to think about her because I’ll end up sobbing again.

I miss my Chloe.

 

I made a cake. 6 layers, 3 tiers. Mom made the frosting (delish, btw). It turned out amazing, and very – very nummy. I baked the layers here at my house, and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off to find a way to transport them 200 miles away. As you can see, it all worked out in the end. My decorative vision was brought to life with the help of scrapbooking accessories, ribbon, seedless raspberry spreads and my sis. Everyone enjoyed (and ate much of) this wedding gift. MmmMmmGood.

I saw a turtle. His name is Henry.
We went shopping. I love this place.
We bought 4 pieces of wicked cool furniture for under $125.
I had all four pieces built lastnight in under 1/2 hour.
It just doesn’t get better than that.
I saw a baseball game.

I saw the beach I swam at when I was a kid.
(iew, iew, iew.)

I fed a duck.

I saw dual rainbows.

I saw a farm lit up like a big bowl of rainbow sherbet
on a warm country afternoon.

I enjoyed a gorgeous sunset over the countryside.

You’re going to just love this. I just woke up from this dream, Someone Stole My Ceiling.

I did   finish the ceiling lastnight, and soaked in a nice hot bath for a while. My fingers were swollen, cracked and dry from all the joint compound. My neck felt like my head was going to snap right off and hit the floor.

I rolled a texture into the ceiling using a roller that looks like an air filter. Our neighbor helped for a little while (thank you, neighbor!) and we got a huge chunk of it done – without J & PR I would still be up on that ladder, I’m sure. J brought over some bath salts late lastnight for me and it was JUST what I needed. Between that, some Burt’s Bees hand cream that came in a set from my good friend Lisa, and a couple of Aleve, I almost feel normal today. Aaah thank you friends!

In case you’re wondering, hubby is off on a training mission, which is why I’m doing this stuff. Of course. I always take on these kinds of projects when he’s gone, because I feel like he works so hard for us all the time, the last thing I want is for him to spend his time off working. I try to get all this stuff done while he’s away so that he can just come home and relax in it, maybe do a little trim work if he’s so inclined.

Today: Finishing seam and corner mudding, going to pick up flooring (yes I’m getting hardwood, but it’s faux hardwood – the snap lock laminate stuff), hopefully getting the wet sanding done (dry fast, joint compound!), priming, painting, and starting the floor installation.

It won’t be long, and I’ll be back to the easel!

Hopefully none of you are planning on stealing my drywall after all of this. I’d be pretty upset.

Another Pink Gerbera Daisy (a next-door neighbor to this guy here) opened up and enjoyed a brief shower of sunshine yesterday. We also had our very first Primrose bloom in a sea of what look like weeds right now.

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It has been chaos around our house today. This morning, Home Depot dropped off a truckload of materials at 8:30AM. Shortly after that, our neighbor knocked on the door and (I thought he was going to get all neighbor-nosey and ask what we were doing to the house), he told me that since I’m such an animal lover, he thought I’d like to know that there’s a great big german shepherd loose in our backyard.

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Artwork © Erika Nelson, Erikasfriends.comRemember my Foxglove flower photo from just a few days ago? Well. Miss Erikie has been selectively teasing me about painting from one of my photographs for quite some time. Finally, she did it! It’s listed for sale, for far less than its worth, so if you have some spare change and love Foxglove, Fairies and watercolors, go on and bid on this sweet little floral painting at eBay!

How neat to have a painting influenced by two artists, eh? It turned out so cute!! Well done, Erikie!!

I picked up a new suit yesterday (ordered from Victoria’s Secret), and grabbed a screenshot to get some opinions – on the pattern, of course!

I have no delusions about what I look like in a bikini (obviously, since I’m not the one modeling the dang suit, am I?), and yes. I bought the sarong. Shut up.

I’ve had children, I’ve had a reduction, and from the belly button up, I’m not too bothered by what anyone else thinks. I’m a belly girl, what can I say. Belly buttons, feet, and baby butts are the cutest things God gave us, in my personal opinion, but that’s another topic for another day.

So. I wanted a different pattern, but that was on backorder. So I chose the brown gypsy floral. My girlfriend thought “iew”, my hubby thought the black pattern was cuter (and that I should have waited, pfft – patience is NOT a virtue of mine!), and now I leave it to you. I’ve already bought it, mind you, and you’ll never even see me in it. I swear. Unless, accidentally, my hubby manages to pry my camera from my cold dead hands and photograph me in it, and then blog it. But then I’ll be dead, so what do I care? Now I’m rambling.

I picked the pattern – and this is very important information – because it reminds me of the artwork of a friend of mine, Lolo (aka Lori Rase Hall) – she’s the one who drew our matching tattoos for us. That’s why I really wanted the black, because it’s much more like something she would draw. So go see her awesome drawings before you tell me I’m a freak and I’m gonna look like a big blob of paisley doodle.

What kind of swimsuit do you have waiting for summer? Are you a one-piecer, two? Are you a tankini girl? Or do you wear a sweater and long pants (read: are you from Wisconsin)? Prints or solid? Do your ears hang lo, do they wobble to-and-fro? Do you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Have I asked too many questions? I’m oh-so-curious!

This is the dress.

This is the strapless (keyword: strapless) dress that I’ll be wearing in the very important role of Maid-of-Honor for my dear friend Lisa in her wedding – next month.

This is the sunburn.

The sunburn with straps – bright white straps  from my spaghetti strap tank that are going to look really, really stupid with the strapless dress I’ll be wearing – next month.

Send tube tops. Or something. Oh yes, and aloe. Tubs of it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *This is the flowerbed that once was. Critters adorned this cute little “front floral thingie” as I’ve lovingly referred to it over the past few years, and it was getting old. I was tired of seeing the same thing, and considering we’re looking to put our home on the market, I thought a facelift was in order.

This is the painting that caused the sunburn with the strap lines that will look stupid with the strapless gown. Sortof a Mary Engelbreit sort of feel to it, swirled flowers, vines, leaves, ladybugs & butterflies.

It’s definitely different, and I think it will look nice against the snow in the winter, too. A lil touch of spring all year round is a good thing in the midwest!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Then, to top off this lovely weekend of continued demolition and general household prettifying, I had another funky dream. It’s no wonder I’m a little odd, with dreams like that who wouldn’t be? I’d pay someone to analyze them professionally, I’d even let someone pay me to record my brainwaves while I’m sleeping and study how vivid they are. I wouldn’t want to stop having them though, they’re pretty interesting although very wierd. I mean really, boiled grapefruit? Blech.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *How was your weekend? Are you burnt to a crisp, too?