I’d like to think we can all relate to this topic, can’t we? It’s a sad time in our lives, when we lose a friendship that has become so important to us over time.
Friendships are such a funny thing. You meet someone, and when you’re young you just go with the flow, if they stick around – great, if not – that’s fine too. Drifting away is normal, losing touch is commonplace. As you get older, though, those nagging thoughts (voices) in your head become louder and more prominent. The drifting doesn’t seem so normal, so immediately I think it has to be something I did. These scenarios play out in any number of ways.
1. I think it’s something I did, or said. I haven’t heard from her in months, and calls go unreturned.
2. There’s a strange pause in the conversation, and then a quick subject change, and then the gaps between conversations grow longer and longer, until they stop.
3. A number of days pass where there’s no connection at all, then you talk but it’s rapid fire, and the fakeness is so thick you can hardly wait to get off the phone and replay the last several months in your head.
4. She stopped reading my blog.
Gasp! WHAT? She stopped reading my blog?! Of all of the sins of friendship, isn’t that one like, the most important? Even my mom reads my blog. C’mon. If you love me, you read my blog. That’s the only possible excuse you’d have for not calling. Right?
Right.
So all of these things are a good indication that something has gone awry. There are ways to handle it, however, it just baffles me that people choose to let it just disappear without a word. Don’t they have any idea the amount of wondering a person can do? Wondering is dangerous. Side effects include dizziness, stomach upset and in rare cases, vomiting. See? Nothing good comes from wondering.
Nothingness. And then if you happen to make contact? There are excuses. Are they believable? Legitimate? Do you hold your friendship at the same level as before the long absence? Don’t you feel like you’ve got a big “reject” stamp in the middle of your forehead when this happens? (Oh, please tell me it’s happened to you.)
There are a few lines in “You’ve Got Mail” that I love, and they are SO true.
Joe: It wasn’t… personal.
Kathleen: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s *personal* to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?
Joe: Uh, nothing.
Kathleen: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a trend with me and my friendships. I’ve actually set some guidelines now before an acquaintance becomes a friend, and a friend becomes a cherished part of my life. This prevents a lot of pain, and it also gives my friends something to aspire to, if they can tolerate me long enough. It’s pretty simple, there are short-term, mid-term, long-term, and lifelong friendships. Yes, I split them up into categories. It helps me keep track.
Short-term friendships are those that last two years or less. (I can expand or reduce that amount of time as I see fit, of course.) In this amount of time, you can really determine if you have enough in common to go to the next level, or if you just cut your ties and call it a learning experience. Honestly? Too many people don’t make it past this stage. I must be really annoying. Or something. Most often? No explanation is required. I’m okay with that. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt, because it certainly stings and makes me analyze myself. Okay, I over-analyze myself.
Mid-term friendships are 2-4 years long. If you make it past the short term, there’s a good chance you’ll make it – because anyone who knows me knows that one year should be about all anyone can take. If you make it past 2, you’re like, gifted. And special. You will get a Christmas card. If you vanish just before or after the 4 year mark, it would be really freakin’ nice to know what I did, because how am I supposed to NOT do that in the future? Really. Specifics are good. I call those losses a lesson in self-improvement. And I cry about them. Yes, I do. You might not THINK I care, but I’m over here caring like a banshee, I’m just not good at communicating that.
Long-term friendships, 5-10 years long, usually these people know that I’m not good at communicating that I care. I appreciate them even more for knowing my slanted sense of humor equals love and affection, and my aloofness is a result of having children and looking at my monitor for too long. I cry for them, with them, and sometimes, because of them. When a long term friendship ends, it’s like losing an arm. Or at least some fingers. These people are IMPORTANT. They KNOW stuff about me, because I don’t share that stuff with just anybody, and you HAVE to know that if you disappear after that amount of time, I expect all my dirty laundry to have it’s own place on the web that I don’t know about with thousands of commentors saying what an ass I am. I had to have done something horribly, terribly wrong for a long term friendship to vanish. Seriously. What did I say? What did I do? You can’t just get to this stage and exit stage left without leaving a note. These losses are heartbreaking, and sad, and mournful.
Lifelong friendships – well, obviously they never left. Beyond the stage of needing any explanation that life happens, comfortable enough for just 2 calls a year (as long as she never forgets my birthday, and I never forget hers, we will always be sisters at heart). Those are wonderful, cozy, giggly and loving friendships that you know will never end. I’m so glad I have these, because I truly cherish them. And I’m also very glad I haven’t mourned the loss of one of these friends, because that would only happen by death, and that would be so sad that I would be blogging through Kleenex. There would be no other way.
I do spend a lot of time wondering, though, about those mid and long-term disappearances. Why is it so hard to say goodbye, if you share so much? I have friends who have gone through this as well. One day you wake up and one of your best friends is just gone. Someone you let in a little more than others, someone whose friendship you thought you were building to go to the next level. No explanation, no forwarding address – and when you leave more than just a few messages you start feeling like a stalker. How can one person care so much more than the other? How can someone just let it go *poof* without a word?
What has to happen in order for it to be SO bad that a person doesn’t even rate enough for a call, an apology, a friendship breakup song on tape in a small brown box without a return address in the mailbox on a rainy gray afternoon?
{86 Comments}
I had to laugh at the blog reading part… My BFF does not read my blog. Most of my friends don’t. And that’s ok. 😉
It may not be about you. I know that sounds weird, but sometimes -like in church- people just ‘fall away’. It would be nice to know what went wrong, but often it simply comes down to time and distance and kids… life intrudes and people gain other friends and you are squeezed out, becoming a stranger.
I’m sorry someone was rough with your feelings. But it sounds as if they don’t deserve your gift of friendship, anyway.
Hope you feel better soon. :hug:
pam’s last blog post..Good for what ails you
Maybe something is going on with your friend and she is embarrassed or not ready to talk about it yet. Sometimes that happens to me, I just am all tangled up inside but not able to share it right now. I hope you are able to get back together.
Marsha’s last blog post..A Battle of Wills
i’m sorry. it stinks. :grouphug:
I am the worlds worst for keeping friends. I sometimes let them drift away and I have no idea why. Then when they are gone… I miss them terribly. My problem is that I am not a good communicator. I forget birthdays. I forget special moments that need acknowledging. I let things slip by that are important all the time.
Sometimes I think it is because I was an only child and never learned proper socializing. (If that makes sense). I am terrible on the phone most times and have trouble carring on a conversation. I am bad at calling someone (even my mother) and when I run out of things to say I will end the conversation. I know it isn’t the proper way to do this… but it is my way of covering my lack of skills.
I hope your friend finds his or her way back. Offering a virtual hug to get you by… 🙂 :friends:
It’s rough when a friendship ends…it’s kinda like a divorce…sometimes you just fall apart and others there’s a big blow up. At least with the blow ups you know what happened. To often with friendships they end with the falling apart. Hugs
I’ve been a bit of a stalker when I’ve had the falling apart friendships. Like you, I would just like to know why. But there’s yet another bit of closure that I’ll never have. sigh
Renee’s last blog post..Pizzagna curiosity
:bunny:
Can I be your friend now, please?
You can never have too many in my opinion.
:kiss:
DeeJay’s last blog post..Love
I can totally relate. I had – what I thought was a very good friend – I have not spoken one word to her in many years. She called me and reamed me out for something I supposedly did. She did the same thing to another friend of mine. Alas, I think she just wanted to end the friendships. I think she felt that we weren’t good enough to be her friends since she’d moved to a new and more exclusive neighborhood (heaven forbid the normal people should visit and give her a lousy reputation). The writing was on the wall when she moved and didn’t bother to mention it to any of us… Yup.. that was a pretty big clue.
Oh, the breakup. Really hard. Especially when you don’t know why. I think most often it has to do with the person who does the drifting and probably not you at all.
Women can be really complex. We make the best friends, or the worst ones. Sometimes people pull away, because they can’t handle staying close — and it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s all about them, and that’s the way it is.
Now, if you’re like me, you have problems with flakiness. If I’ve done something, tell me. If I call you, don’t blow me off. If anything we had can remotely be called a “friendship” (long term), then I expect the courtesy of closure — if it’s nothing more than, “Our relationship has served its purpose in my life, and I need to move on”. Okay. I wish you the best. It takes guts to be a grownup, but for goodness sakes, be a grownup. Don’t treat me like I’m…nothing. Gotta big problem with that. Cuz if I call someone “friend”, that means something to ME, whether it means something to the other person or not. Obviously there are different “levels” of friendship. But the lightest level still deserves a level of consideration and respect.
I have ONE, true-blue, take-a-bullet-for-me, pray with/cry with, all-weather friend. We’ve been friends, since we were 14 years old. We’re in our forties now. I know her. She knows me. You’re blessed to get one of those, in life. I am blessed. Everybody else may drift in and out, and that’s cool because I don’t invest too much, in the first place. I keep it light, cuz that’s what most folks can handle. Seriously.
I’m sorry about your loss. Pray for your lost friend, and release her — God will always supply what (who) we need to grow and stretch us, so we become better people.
Blessings Leanne! :love:
ANappyGirl’s last blog post..We?re Snowed In!
Itsso sad when friendships fade away, though sometimes two people just grow away from each other. I’ve certainly had that situation,
But the death of what had seemed like a good friendship is really difficult. Sorry to read about it.
Crafty Green Poet’s last blog post..Mother of Pearl Clouds
I wouldn’t be so quick to bury her. She has been there through thick and thin – maybe she’s going through her own “muddle” right now and can’t be there for you. Maybe she just needs your support and patience – and maybe persistance – you know, to show that she really matters to you…? Or I could be all wet and that would just put the final nail in the coffin… It’s not easy!
It’d be easy to leave a comment that’s at least as long as your post, but in the interest of brevity, I’ll try to narrow down to a few points:
1. I was surprised…and frankly, relieved…to see that many of your friends don’t read your blog. Most of mine don’t either. I’ve always wondered why. Heck, I’d never know if they read it or deleted it…why not let me THINK they’re interested! Perhaps worse are the ones who subscribed and then unsubscribed.
2. Who’s to say why people come and go in our lives… sometimes it’s just that people grow in different directions and at different paces. I know that since I’ve stopped golfing, that entire group of “friends” and I have lost contact. I see now that golf was the only thing holding us together. With others, changes in either my life or theirs have morphed our friendship into something less than it was.
3. This life is a transient thing…the only thing that’s constant is change. Yes, I can philosophize, but in the end, it’s tough. It’s tough because it’s not just a question of “why don’t they like me anymore?”…at least for me. For me, it also stirs up thoughts about my life and its cycles. Depending on my state of mind I crawl inside myself and mourn, or I gather myself and move on.
:friends:
June’s last blog post..Small Things
I loved this post. I have agonized over so many dead relationships. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me that not every friendship survives forever. Then I turn around and kill a friendship without so much as a word to the person as to why. So as often as I feel sorry for myself on this subject, it turns out that I suck.
Beautifully written, Leanne. I wish that I could offer you some advice, but I’m a bit out of the norm as far as friends go. I mainly hang out with my family members—sister, cousins, aunts & uncles—that I barely have time for friends. Actually, I guess they are my friends. And I’m related. So, they can’t get rid of me. :giggle:
BTW – your blog design just gets more beautiful by the day. I am so envious.
lulu’s last blog post..TOFUnkified
I’ve had enough friends disappear from my life for various reasons that I tend to just expect it now. (Yeesh. Makes me sound real loveable, doesn’t it? :rolleyes: ) I have only a few very close friends who I am sure will be a part of my life until the day I die, but the rest I enjoy for the time I have them, knowing that things can change at any time. Sometimes a change in one’s life can completely upset the balance of a friendship.
That said, it is really hard when a friend you thought would be a lifetime friend suddenly and unexpectedly turns out not to be. I never write them off entirely though; you never know when an old friend might become a new friend all over again.
Geekwif’s last blog post..Somebody Help Me – I Can’t Breathe
I don’t make friends easily. I never have. Not real ones in real life. In college I experienced the first real loss of friendship I ever had–I hadn’t put myself out there enough to have lost anyone I considered a good friend. It happened several times in college. I never understood it.
I only have a couple of real friends (people I consider friends–through thick and thin friends, not aquaintances) left. Sometimes I am okay with that. Other times? Not so much.
I read this post the other day and didn’t comment at the time because I had so much to say, I’d take up your comment section. 🙂
And now I see that your other readers were echoing my thoughts as well.
I wonder if part of the way you feel is because there’s no closure, really. and that’s hard on anyone. It could be that she has issues of her own that she’s going through, hopefully that’s the reason. Sometimes we inadvertently hurt the ones we care about the most, because we take them for granted. Maybe that’s what she has done, I don’t know.
But remember there are those who do care about you, and they see the good in all you do and value you just for who you are. And that’s the truth. 😉
Friendships, can often take a lot of work.
Btw, I’ve got to echo what lulu said, your blog design really just gets so beautiful with every redesign. I love the pale flowers in the background that show up as I type this comment, and the light chocolate and tan colors as well. the leaves here and there, the bunnies and the notebook…..Gorgeous!!!!
Laura VitaminSea’s last blog post..A few things to tell you…
Kinda sounds like marriage. 🙂 I used to spend a lot of time wondering what happened but I really think it’s not anything you (or I) did but people just tend to drift together and apart. Maybe I’m sad, I don’t have any lifelong friends, we have all moved apart and on with our lives. I would say most of my friendships are in the 2-6 year marks. Just seems to be the way of life. I still think about many of hte people I’ve lost touch with and wonder where they are and what they’ve been up to. I wish I knew how to contact them but. . .
Lisa’s Chaos’s last blog post..he only has eyes for me
I stumbled into your blog because I was looking for stuff on losing friends.
I had one of those blow-up-ending friendship losses. It was a lot of vague accusations with no real ability to defend myself or be heard. It has been a year now…still no real closure.
Thanks for writing this entry. :cat:
Kelly’s last blog post..I can’t get that song out of my head!
Hi!
Thank you for writing this post! I found it when I looked up “Where does a friendship go when it dies?” I have lost, maybe permanently, a friend that I shared a lot of love with. We used to have lots of laughs and serious heart to heart talks. We spent hundreds of hours communicating…I poured out my heart to her and her to me. But it ended and there was nothing I could do about it. She outright ignored calls and cards, was avoided me and was even curt and rude to me when we had brief encounters.
This really broke my heart.
When given the opportunity, I asked her what was going on? Had I hurt her her in some way? No. She hopes I forgive her. She says she feels the potential for a close friendship, wants to keep the connection, wants to be my friend and spend time with me.
Alas, nothing changes if nothing changes. She seems to be glad to see me at family gatherings, yet is superficial in her conversation. There’s no outreach from her. She continues to disregard any contact I make. Whatever she’s going through, if anything, she hasn’t invited me in to find out.
For now, this is the way things are. A friendship takes two. I still have my warm and caring heart. I still have gratitude for all that we shared. When I get pulled too much into my emotions, I give myself a dose of the serenity prayer and send her love and a blessing from my heart
[…] Thanks for all the kind comments and nice emails — one reader forwarded this to me, which made me laugh out loud. Friendships are such a funny thing. You meet someone, and when you’re young you just go with the […]
Wow. So many people in the same boat as I am. I am ready to let go of a friendship that has turned into a one way street. She was very special to me, older, and I considered her like a second mother. All of a sudden, she just stopped calling me, and it’s only me who tries to keep in contact. She says awful things to me that I can’t believe would come from her. I don’t know what’s wrong, and if I even come close to asking her, she shuts me off. I’m really going to miss her though because she was really there for me when I went through some of the worst times of my life. There’s no doubt that I will always love her.
Thanks for writing this entry:) I, too, goggled “what happens when a friendship dies” and found your post.
It’s so hard to deal with, but I agree that all too often there’s no concrete explanation for it:(
I just came to realize today that one of my friendships has been dying for a while now. When my friend got a new job, our conversations grew fewer and fewer. I just realized today that we have not hung out for the entire summer (yes, summer is busy and we took our vacations at different times, but not once is hard for me to fathom). Our friendship became minimized to a cluster of facebook interactions: messages, thumbs up, and wall comments. When she stopped replying to my private messages, I started to notice. When I called her today to ask if I had done something to offend her, she seemed genuinely unaware there was a problem. She didn’t even realize that she’d failed to reply to my messages. I didn’t realize until after our conversation that there were so many messages from me left unanswered. I just counted and there are 7 in a little over a month!
Funny thing is…I don’t think I did anything. Her life just got busy with work and I became insignificant. During our conversation today, she mentioned that she had a lot on her plate and couldn’t deal with one more burden. That’s all I’ve become to her…a burden she has to answer to.
It saddens me…and angers me (I guess, if I am honest, the anger comes because it hurts my pride to think our friendship meant so little to her).
I’ll probably always wonder if we could’ve saved our 3 year friendship from fading away…but I do know this: Friendships are like flowers…if you fail to nuture them, they will die. I want to share my little metaphor with her, but fear it will just be another burden for her to bear, so I choose to share it here.
If there are new developments on your dying friendship, please be sure to update us. :grouphug:
thank you so much for this post and all the comments. i relate to so many of the postings. i found this blog because i have lost a dear friend.
we shared 7 very good years. i have wonderful and close friends from childhood but she was the most significant friend i’ve made (other than my husband) in my adult life.
it unraveled slowly at first, and then very suddenly it was over this past summer. she called it quits on a voice mail message. we’d exchanged some e-mails trying to work through a conflict and based on the e-mails, she decided (in her words) to let our friendship go. she didn’t tell me what triggered her to leave. it was sudden and especially painful because one of my childhood best friends died _the same week_ from an aneurysm.
i can’t believe she bailed when she did, but i suppose she showed me her true colors?
it’s so hard for me to square the timing of her exit. i am angry and sad. it’s also hard not to have an explanation or final conversation. the best i can do at this point is pray for her and be grateful for the friends i do have. thanks for reading and providing a space to share.
Even though this actual blog entry is almost 2 years old, it still resonates with so many of us.
A friendship that wasn’t that long in years (3 maybe), but felt like it was a sisterhood has all but ended. sigh Yes, there is definitely a grieving period associated with losing a friend. I acknowledge and have apologized for my part in the “breakup”, but it seems that the words were just blown apart in the wind and never heard.
Life. A door closes…another opens.
Angela – thanks for commenting. Yes, it is all still very, very true. In fact, I went through it again just a month ago. It completely, totally sucks. But you’re right, because as that door closed, one opened within moments.
Some relationships are meant to dissolve, sad as it is – we grieve, and we learn.
🙂
I just received an email message that there were new posts, so I came back to read the updates. It’s funny, when I re-read my entry, I remember the pain I felt then, but I do not feel it as much now. We never revived our friendship, but I think I’ve chosen to accept it and move on. We still see each other at social gatherings, but we don’t have an intimate conversations like we did in the past. I saw her this weekend and all she could talk about were her co-workers. I don’t know them, so had nothing to add to the conversation, and it made me realize we don’t have much in common anymore. I wouldn’t say a new door has opened ( I haven’t found a friend who lives in our relatively new town that I spend as much time or share as much with), but I’m not dealing with the grief any more, either. Time helps us to heal. But, true, close friendships are hard to find, so if you have one that is on the brink, do what you can to save it. I feel that I did my part, and that’s really all that you can do.
Andrea,
I’m so glad that time is healing your pain. It’s odd to look back on things – I look back on my original post and remember that time very vividly – and am so grateful for the healing that came from that time and the healing of the relationship with that friend.
Now, I have newer – more recent pain to look back on but you know? After months of pulling away, it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I think, like you, there was a gradual growing apart that made the actual break up easier to bear.
:friends:
We pick and choose our friends, but not our family. I have to accept the women my brothers married, so after reading this blog I’ve come to believe it’s a waste of time to try and accept the women my male platonic friends marry. Long story, but 25 years of friendship’s on a literal life support right now behind an email misunderstanding. Why? My male friend’s wife and sister refuse to talk to me.
I too have a childhood friend. We’ve been friends for 46 years. We have totally different values when it comes to quite a few things, but we bonded as girls and have been there for one another through death, divorce, financial problems.
Friendships aren’t measured in calendar days, in my opinion.
Thanks for addressing your concerns.
I divorced my husband six years ago. Little did I realize it would also mean the death of one of my closest, longest-running friendships. My friend of 20 years simply could not deal with my drama. If I tried to talk about the divorce, she would immediately change the subject. It really frosted me at the time because I had dutifully listened to her complain about her own spouse for years. But when it was my turn to need support, she just couldn’t handle it. I guess in retrospect she was freaked out because her own marriage was so shaky, but I felt she could’ve at least let me cry on her shoulder. Nope, wasn’t gonna happen. I HAD to talk to someone about it, so I began confiding in other friends, and eventually drifted away from her. I’m now remarried and doing great, and my divorce seems like a long-ago bad dream. But the close relationship I had with my friend has never rekindled. And you know what? I still think about her all the time and miss her every day.
I agree with phoenix.. actually, i realized this just recently. I find it hard to keep the fire burning.. sometimes, no, most of the times, when friends won’t see each other for a long time, many things will eventually change most especially the bonds created between them. You’ll just have to accept reality and get ready to let someone else enter in your life. I’m sorry if I become a bit rude but it’s what do some people like me does.. better to vanish without a word than keeping something I am not sure if I still would wanna keep.
I’m like Kelly. I had one of those blow-up-ending friendship losses. It was a lot of vague accusations with no real ability to defend myself or be heard. It has been three months now. And just today realized that it is time to mourn the loss. That thought actually uplifted me. I think the best replacement for a lost friend is a new friend; however, a friend that you have a real connection with is so hard to find. It could take months or more likely, years.
Any advice?
Amy – how long were you friends?
I think in this life if we can count our long term friendships on two fingers, we are lucky. There are too many people who don’t have any forgiveness in their hearts and don’t know how to love without expectations.
I am sorry for your loss.
I was friends with her for about three years. We talked almost daily. We travel in the same social circles so running into her is very awkward and uncomfortable. I hosted an evening out w/friends, she showed up and completely ignored me. When I tried to open up the topic of mending our friendship, any words I used seemed to inflame her. Apparently, anything I say can and will be used against me.
Ouch. 🙁
I would just be sweet to her.
Recently, someone was irritated with me about something (business related) and took it to a personal level. It was really awkward and uncomfortable because she was really resentful toward me. I decided that how I run my business is fair and how I handled that particular situation was also fair, she just took it completely wrong. So, my attitude was exactly that. I was fair, they were being irrational. When the lines of communication are shut down, all you can do is remain rational and kind, and eventually, they’ll get over it.
Doesn’t mean you’ll be friends on the other side (believe it or not, we ended up being decent), but at least you’ll know that you are being true to you – and you’ll accept that it’s okay not to be best friends with everyone.
Meanwhile, have some chocolate.
:friends:
This is a great post. I had a tumultous friendship and professional relationship with my ex boss and friend. I am in my 20’s and she is in her 50’s. There were some great times but she treated me very badly at times and I shouldn’t have stuck around. She has a lot of issues. Basically things ended with a big blow out. I tried to reach out to her. She ended up hanging up on me when I called. I ended up calling again and leaving a voicemail. I also wrote a note and bought an Xmas ornament and left it on her doorstep. I have received no response. It feels like a divorce. I am heartbroken and sad. I was great to her but not perfect. I know I gave a lot to her and she didn’t appreciate it- if she did she never said so. In my note I said that I love you and I miss you and working at V was it for me. I wanted her to teach me so much and she was just too wrapped up in herself. I am really sad. But reading this I feel like I am not alone. I was hoping for a Hollywood happy ending- there were issues- or at least the chance to talk to her and get closure but I got neither. I think I am dead to her.
To update my situation I tried to reach out to E again. I sent a really cute book about cats to her via Amazon. I gift wrapped it and had it sent over. I did not put my name on it because I felt she would just send it back. But she did that anyway. This just breaks my heart. I am not working now and struggling to start my business. E has the choice to really teach me so I can help her- she is a graphic designer. I wanted to stay working for her- the one place were I felt I belonged. How can someone just abandon you when you give so much to them and they know your situation? I don’t get it. E was like family to me. She could be difficult and a little bipolar somtimes but I thought she cared and now I feel very stupid. My gut instinct tells me that she sent the package back because she knew it was from me. How can someone hate me that much when I gave a lot? One of the things I did for her was when she was stressed or sick I made a little care package for her. E was like the big sister I never had and almost like a Mom to me in a way. There were times she was verbally abusive but there were times she was the best person ever- in a way E could be like a grizzly bear. It breaks my hurt to think she could just turn her back on me like this and it seems like E is blaming everything on me and ignoring her less than stellar behavior. Part of me just want to leave her a voicemail or try to call her but the other part of me thinks what is the point. How can people be like this? It makes me angry to think she is living her life happy as can be while I struggle so much.
Grace, that is a very sad story. You have made it clear the door is open when or if your friend chooses to re-establish contact. The ball is in her court. She may eventually become curious about how you are doing, or come to regret freezing you out and want to get back in touch. In the meantime, get on with your life, make new friends, and just look at this as taking a break from each other. From what you’ve written, it sounds like it may have been a slightly unhealthy, one-sided friendship. Maybe this is the jolt it needed for the two of you to start relating as real friends, not an abusive mother-daughter dynamic. You can find strength in the fact that you two once loved each other, with all your flaws, and may again someday. Good luck to you.
I appreciate your kind words. There is a lot of wisdom in what you said. As of now I have heard nothing from E. I am trying to find a job in the state with the highest unemployment. E can make a huge difference in my life and teach me if she so chose to- even giving me a part-time job would help… I gave so much to E and it hurts to be treated like trash. Some days are better than others. I do pray for E but there are many times when I am very angry and hurt and I think I will be for awhile.
For an update to my situation. E called me because she needed some information for my 1099 form. She left a very message that was very condescending to me- in a really mean tone of voice. I talked to her on Monday and gave her the information. I gave her my mailing address- she did not say hi, how are you, or anything like that. Was just very unpleasent and when I finished giving her the info just slammed the phone down. I have a hunch that underneath all of that hateful behavior she is hurting. But it is out of my hands. I feel very sad but what can I do? No one won here at all.
So sorry to hear that, Grace. Some people find forgiveness a monumental task and it becomes an obstacle they just can’t overcome. She’ll regret it in the long run.
Hugs!
Post #31 sounds like what happened to me. My husband and I were close friends with another couple. We often went to dinner and the movies together. Beth (not her real name) and I babysat for each other, took our children to the park, went to garage sales, and talked on the phone several times a week. When my husband and I separated, all that stopped. Overnight, Beth disappeared from my life. At first, I was too heartsick to care. Then I was hurt and angry. I had reached out to Beth when her father died unexpectedly. I gave her rides when her car broke down. I listened to her ongoing complaints about her in-laws. Where was she when I needed a friend? Why hadn’t she reached out to me?
A year later, I ran into her at the grocery store. It was very awkward. I was still mad, and it showed. She apologized for not calling me, claiming she “didn’t know what to say.” I replied that she could have started with “Hi, how are you?”
We tentatively became friends again, but it wasn’t the same. It was obvious (and laughable) that Beth didn’t want me around her husband anymore, because she only invited me to her house when he wasn’t there.
A few years later, Beth and her family moved away. We exchanged emails for a while, but soon ran out of things to say. She never replied to my email about my mother’s death. That was 11 years ago.
I recently found a box of old pictures I’d forgotten about. There were the four of us again, much younger and skinnier! Beth and I had the big hair and shoulder pads of the 1980’s. There was a picture of our children in a wading pool; how well I remember the day it was taken. The pictures brought back so many happy memories. I wish Beth and I could have remained “best friends forever.” I still miss her.
I had always been a welcome guest at my best friend’s birthday parties, dinner parties, Superbowl parties, etc. All that ended the day I told her I was getting a divorce. She told me how sorry she was, asked if there was anything she could do for me — then never again invited me into her home. I was suddenly persona non grata. It was painful and shocking, but it did make me cherish and thank God for the friends who stood beside me during this darkest chapter in my life. They remain my friends to this day. And my other friend? I have no idea and don’t much care anymore. There is nothing like a divorce to show you who your real friends are!!
I have just lost the person I thought was my very “best friend”. She lied, insulted me and then betrayed me. Wow, it hurts so much I feel my heart has broken. How can people do this to other people? She has now replaced me with someone else but I still think of her every day. It makes me feel so sad. We shared so many happy moments. I wonder if she thinks of me too but she says “No” she has other friends now and doesn’t need me anymore. I feel so alone and your words helped as I can see this happens to so many people. I mentioned once about a friend I lost touch with and she said that must have hurt but no-one ever hurt me like she did. I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again.
Dear Sophie,
I am so sorry that you experienced this. This woman was no “friend”. She sounds like a two faced witch who is really selfish. You deserve better. There are better people out there who will be your friend. Consider this- If she has done it to you then she may very well have treated other people like this as well and may do the same thing to your “replacement”. This woman may be unable for whatever reason to sustain a close relationship for the long haul. There are so many people out there who will be your friend. Don’t let one bad apple spoil it for you. Don’t let this woman by you putting your guard up and never trusting again.
Here are some things to do to feel better- make a list of all your good qualities, and then make a list of all the things she did that pissed you off. Do things you enjoy doing and realize that she lost out on a great friend. Also, karma has a funny way of catching up with people. What goes around comes around. This is her loss.
Sincerely,
Susie
I would like to share the ending of my friendship story with E as I have commented here before.
For the last ten weeks I had worked for E. For anyone that is interested in the backstory read my previous posts under “Grace”. I was laid off from a part time job that I had and I wanted to work and also hoped to learn from her since she is a graphic designer. So for the last ten weeks I updated her business facebook page, blog, did errands, and resolved a health insurance issue that got her a 500.00 dollar reimbursement check for a colonoscopy she had.
Last week when I came into get my check she fired me by telling me to have a nice life and I said she just cared about herself, and I told her she was going to be sad and lonely. No thank you for the work that I did. Only the day before she was showing me things in the office. it was real nice. On Mother’s Day E and I did a charity walk together for cancer and I took her out for coffee. E knew that I was struggling and I even told that I wanted a mentor and friend and a job. I was so hurt that I wrote a note saying how badly I felt with a list of my property she had and slipped the note and a pic of us at Moms On the Run under the door. I finally heard from her by e-mail yesterday in which she blamed everything on me and was just basically a s***. E told me that I could come get my stuff and that it was outside of her office door. E had a library book that was mine and she denied having it but to “be nice” she wrote a check for 50.00 and put it with my things. I thought at this point I do not need her charity if she is such an ugly person who is a witch. So I shoved the check under her office door with a post it note saying, ” After that e-mail I do not want your money”. So I take pride in being the only person ever to have worked for her to have returned a check! I do have to pay for the book but it is not that much money. So on my way out E had a white Jaguar so I spit her door handle, windshield, and driver’s side window, and gave her car a good swift kick on the driver’s side. No lasting damage just my footprint. Yes, I could have taken the money and given it to a charity or even kept it but after she treated me that way it felt so wrong. Was I only worth 50.00 dollars to her? It is like she was trying to buy me off and justify doing what she did. So I have to content myself with the hope that God is a God of justice and what goes around comes around.
Susie aka Grace,
I am so sad to hear this. I understand that there is a lot of hurt going on in your heart but to let it turn into anger is such a sad thing to see. I don’t understand why you would be so hateful after re-reading your other comments. You had tried so hard to show her you cared and what she meant to you, and no matter what her response, I really feel like you should have just let it go, and let God. When we take it into our own hands is when we mess it all up.
Hope things get better for you.
You know I think I am angry at myself too~ that again I showed her how much I cared and opened my heart and this happened. What gets to me most is that E had the nerve to make it seem like what happened was my fault in that e-mail she sent. E was very callous and cruel. It will take time to get over this. But I also know that underneath the anger is a lot of hurt too. The interesting thing is looking back whenever things were good between us she would push me away~ like she was trying to sabotage things. Regardless I will never let myself be hurt and used by her again. I can’t. My goal is to get to the point were God can sort this out. But I am not there yet.
To give an update to my situation E sent me a very ugly e-mail denying she fired me, taking some cheap shots at me, saying some nasty things. If E really wanted this to be over with she could have refrained from responding. It sucks that she is acting like this is all my fault. I sent her an e-mail trying to clarify some things. If I do not hear back from her I am not trying again. I didn’t deserve to be treated like this.I feel that E is trying to blame everything on me. I do not want to talk to her because I think that E would twist things around or even hang up on me or put words in my mouth. 🙁 This sucks.
Sorry, Susie. One thing is certain – at the end of the friendship neither see things the other way. You only see it their way after time heals those wounds. 🙁
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