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  • My Catharsis

    February
    26
    2010

    So, here I am. Sitting in front of a blank screen for the first time in nearly a month, trying to put together the words that will convey what’s going on inside my head and heart.

    I’ve known that I needed to write, I’ve known how cathartic it is for me, but I’ve put it off. I’m almost ashamed of the thoughts and feelings I have, because the older I get, the more bitter and critical I seem to become. I would almost prefer to put a roll of duct tape in my purse and around my hands, some days.

    Then, the more I think about that, the more I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. The older we get, the more we realize how seriously messed up we are, each in our own way, and how much more magnified those faults seem to be when we’re older and are so much more in tune with people. Personally, I think it’s because it’s not until later in life that we really realize how important people are in our lives. But, just like acne, the more it’s magnified, the uglier it is.

    Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty ugly.

    I have tried to avoid one certain truth in my life – that I would turn into my parents. I denied it, I tried to mask it – I do my damndest not to let it invade my mind – but here it is. It’s here, and I have to deal with it. It’s called cynicism. I am my own worst critic, and I am also everyone elses worst critic. In my head, at least. I am a danger to society should I be let loose and free to speak my opinion, and so I am very grateful that my place, behind this monitor – inside this house, in my corner of the world, is safely tucked away from real human interaction.

    Except for the loved ones who are subject to my presence, whom I offer my condolences – you’ve lost a once bright, cheerful, happy, energetic and outgoing person and she’s left this icky person in her place.

    So now, my task – what do I do with this? How can I be the person I was – given the exact same surroundings, with all of the exact same things that have driven me to this mindset?

    How does someone really initiate the change they desperately need, without allowing their immediate circle of influence to affect it? I would love the answer to that one. And I’m sure a million others would, too.

    I know that I am fortunate. I have been blessed. Not just with the gift of creativity, but with the circumstances to be able to put them to maximum use and a support system to encourage me. But there’s this nagging inside of me that is completely displeased. Displeased with how everything is going, unhappy with the relationships I have, feeling broken and distant from the people I know, deep down, that I truly love.

    I could go paint. I could write. I guess I am writing. I hope you don’t mind. Though not the story that I could and should write, but just the abbreviated, vague version that is as safe as I can possibly be, because at the heart of it all, the last thing I want to do is negatively impact the things that are negatively impacting me. Strange, how that works. Or in this case, doesn’t. I’m not really sure.

    I could grab my camera and go for a drive – but none of these things stop the swarm of words that surround my head and beg to be dealt with. None of those things will draw me closer to an answer or a new revelation about how to change my life right. this. very. second.

    My life right now is a mass of sticky notes and appointments, of code and design and of seeking approval from other people from just about every single thing I do. I guess after a long period of time, maybe I feel tied down in my creativity and my insides are begging to break free. The terrifying thing about that, however, is the breaking free part. The “to hell with it all” part that I think every few years, every human being needs a little of.

    The deeper I look inside myself, the more confused I become, and the more I want to just be one of those people who doesn’t think so deeply. Who doesn’t give any consideration to how my actions or words might affect someone else. Who doesn’t analyze. Who doesn’t attach everything to feelings and emotions and issues that need to be handled or discussed.

    The deeper I look inside myself, the more I realize that I’m not really disappointed with the world, I am disappointed in myself, and my own failures. I expect too much, from others as well as myself. I still, after all these years, depend on others for my own happiness. I am reactionary, I am over-sensitive, and honest to God, I think I am over-thoughtful, if that is possible. Not so much in that I am always thinking about other people, but that I am always thinking about how my actions might affect other people. Trying to stay out of everyone’s way, and feeling run over in the process.

    In all of this, I can only pray that I am normal. That this is normal. This is just a phase, this is just a day, these are just thoughts that will vanish and tomorrow I’ll wake up without a headache ready to tackle the world and really, truly love the people that I love. Tomorrow, perhaps will be the turning point. Tomorrow, I’ll have an epiphany and all will be right with the world once again.

    Tonight, however, someone magical might have to wave a wand over my head or sprinkle some fairy dust on me while I’m sleeping in order to make that happen.

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    {17 Comments}

    1
    Pam said,

    Completely normal, but it doesn’t feel that way, does it? All you can do is put one foot in front of the other until the sun comes out and the air smells sweeter…

    Until that day, try to not be so hard on yourself… take care of my friend Leanne. She’s a remarkable woman and I adore her.
    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    2.26.2010 @ 12:46 pm
    2
    Leanne said,

    Thanks, Pam. It doesn’t feel normal at all – and you’re right. Maybe it’s a last push of Seasonal Affective Disorder, before spring – I don’t know, I just know I don’t like it. I feel like I should close all the doors, windows, shut down my computer, not answer the phone and just not subject ANYone to my pitifulness. :dunno:

    Hopefully, your girl comes back soon. :yes:

    :hug:

    2.26.2010 @ 2:25 pm
    3
    Crusty said,

    {{{ Leanne }}}

    Sounds like you’re in a tough place right now. Perhaps even a turning point. I think we all pass through that place at one time or another. Some of us turn around and go back through it again. (we’re called slow learners.)

    Your post was vague enough that I don’t know what you’re going through but I can totally relate to the thoughts and feelings you’ve shared. And its hell.

    Just remember, a rose can’t be a tulip and a tulip can’t be a daffodil, but they all add color to the garden.

    2.26.2010 @ 2:25 pm
    4
    Phoenix said,

    You are very normal and it is normal to want verification of you and your work. It is how we thrive sadly enough. BUT it is still normal.

    Here is something that might help that magic wand:

    I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it played out a few zillion times. You’re waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they’ll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they’ll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence.

    Well, I’m here to tell you, your wait is over.

    That someone, is you.

    –Mike Dooley

    AND

    Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.

    Margaret J. Wheatley

    I am listening… and if you need more of my ear… just ask… it’s yours :)

    2.26.2010 @ 9:18 pm
    5
    Taba said,

    I love ya. Hang in there. I think it’s a combination of a turning point and some of it will go away when you wake up in a few days. Or seem less aweful. (I’m sure if you wrote that it’d sound a hell of a lot better! hah!)

    2.26.2010 @ 10:48 pm
    6
    Erika said,

    That was a good read ;) Feel better? :yahoo:

    2.26.2010 @ 10:48 pm
    7
    Leineriza said,

    Reading your post was like reading my thoughts at the moment.

    I guess, we all go through these moments, wondering if it’s us or it’s them or it’s just what it is and to make the best out of it. I, too, have been holing up in my room, restricting myself to this monitor, reading and tweaking stuff because the business of socializing with people whom you love and you thought loves you back nowadays is just so fraught with friction.

    One thing I’ve discovered while I look at the fallout my actions and my words may have caused is that, as long as I believe I have done everything in love, and spoken from the space of civility, and they still choose to take what I have said or done with a different context, then it’s already out of my hands. People are entitled to their opinions and their mistakes, just as I am to mine. We’re learning in the life classroom and that’s something I shouldn’t deprive others of.

    And yes, tomorrow’s a new day. Everything shall resolve itself in time. Hang in there; you’re not alone. :flower:

    2.26.2010 @ 11:05 pm
    8
    raehan said,

    Hi Leanne.

    I do know that feeling that you describe. I know it well.

    It is normal and what I think it is, is simply you just going through a period of personal growth. Do you know what I am talking about? I think sometimes our insides outgrow the outline of our lives and when we feel that discord between who we have become inside and who we were yesterday, it feels funny, but then one catches up to the other and all is fine. You will be fine. You are beautiful inside and out and you will feel that way again soon.

    You are so talented and wonderful, and nobody expects you to be upbat all the time, or to not have strong opinions. It is what makes life interesting.

    You are a great writer, too!!

    2.27.2010 @ 11:58 pm
    9
    Leanne said,

    Just remember, a rose can’t be a tulip and a tulip can’t be a daffodil, but they all add color to the garden.

    Crusty, I love this – thank you.

    3.1.2010 @ 8:12 am
    10
    Leanne said,

    Phoenix .. :hug: very inspiring words. Church helped a lot yesterday, I’ve missed that connection very much. I always leave feeling soothed and my spirit feels hugged and refreshed. Some times, Sunday is all a person really needs.

    3.1.2010 @ 8:14 am
    11
    Leanne said,

    Taba, I <3 you too! :hug:

    3.1.2010 @ 8:14 am
    12
    Leanne said,

    Erika – thank you. YOU READ ALL THAT? Mental note : send Erikie flowers. xox

    3.1.2010 @ 8:15 am
    13
    Leanne said,

    Leineriza,

    You said it so much better than I did!

    I hope you’re feeling better. I’m still ‘eh, but I think that I’m going to have to be okay with that for right now.

    Thank you, for saying what you think. :hug:

    3.1.2010 @ 8:18 am
    14
    Leanne said,

    Rae–

    Truer words were never spoken! You are so wise. I <3 you!!

    "sometimes our insides outgrow the outline of our lives and when we feel that discord between who we have become inside and who we were yesterday, it feels funny"

    3.1.2010 @ 8:20 am
    15
    Da Goddess said,

    Check your email, my dear. In the meantime, :hug:

    3.1.2010 @ 5:33 pm
    16
    Pearl said,

    I’ve found that the more I direct my mind to the positive when it’s after the dark corners, the stronger the recoil and cheerful things start to look unpalatable and fake. The harder I push away from hard dark stuff, the less it works. I try tet each float in their season and try not to get seasick. A sort of zen practice of touch, acknowledge and let go helps.

    Going with the cynical energy could lead to a career in stand up comedy, satire writing. It seems antithetical to identity to go in that direction, but denial of contradictory stuff has its place. Counterintuitively confronting takes less energy than avoidance. It will mean a bit of adaption but a new balance establishing itself.

    3.15.2010 @ 4:42 pm
    17
    Misty Dawn said,

    I just found your blog. Actually, I found your facebook page first, and then I found your blog… and then I found this post. I can so relate to everything you said here. It was amazing (and kinda creepy) to have someone else write things that I myself feel on a regular basis.

    3.25.2010 @ 1:17 pm

    Sorry, comments are now closed.


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