Comments on: Death of a Friendship

By: K

Fri, 27 Feb 2015 18:57:39 +0000

Sadly I feel a great friendship is dying too. I feel mostly responsible. Strange in a conversation where I was frustrated at not getting my voice heard ( we talked more than daily and have been friends for over 30 yrs) I hung up. I knew immediately it was the wrong approach; texted and called for three days and nothing. Sadly, had she taken my call she could have realized what drove my actions and listened to a true apology that I felt I needed to make. Instead her anger festered and my insecurity grew. Fast forward to where we talked it through, not only did I now need to apologize for hanging up, there was a longer list of wrongs I had committed over the last months True I really felt I was leaning hard on my life long friend but was devesated to know that I had been wronging her for a long time. as we talked it through she said the slate was clean and said we could more forward. This is what I really wanted, however, my insecurity has riddled my mind and heart and seemingly unable to be myself. Sadly, it has effected my footings with my other friends, even with my husband and oddly my children. In anger and sadness I sometimes reflect that as friends for over thirty years we never fought (of course we didn’t always have the same views) but the one time I try to voice an opinion and couldn’t ( and subsequently frustrated ) and then it feels irrevocably changed. I have taken responsibility but it really has changed my view on myself and how I relate to others. So I watch the friendship slowly disintegrate and not sure if I am capable of any close friendships at this point.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 17:27:14 +0000

For KLB… I allowed a friendship of 20 years to die in much the same way that yours is now dying.

I must tell you I now deeply regret that I did not do more to save the friendship. Long-term, intimate friendships are rare and precious things indeed, and they become rarer as we get older. At the same time, it does take two to keep a friendship , and its sounds like yours is on life support.

I would tell her honestly how much you miss the closeness you once shared. Do not judge her, but tell her you are surprised to hear her express negative opinions about other people and beliefs she once tolerated. Ask her what has changed. Don’t avoid her to “give her space.” She may need friends more than ever now.

Or you could just let the friendship die, but truthfully it sounds like you’re not ready to do that yet.

Good luck.

By: klb

klb — Sat, 02 Aug 2014 09:18:07 +0000

The comments here are precious. Yes, i am here, too because I think my friendship of nearly 15 years is dying. Probably no one ever that I have been so intimate with or share so deeply with. But also, over the last few years, have been hearing from her things that seem so unlike who she is. Hateful comments based on ignorance and irrational thinking. Rejecting things that she knows nothing about but refuses to learn before discounting it. It is parroting things from her religion. Yet, she is one of the kindest people I know. It really bothers me to hear those things. In many ways we have such different interests, beliefs outlooks yet have some core values in common. I am finding myself getting more and more annoyed by the things she says. More and more I have been growing this year more and more into widely different outlook and we are growing in different directions.

We know each other’s warts. One of hers is she is a people pleaser and a compulsive doer to her own detriment and then burns out. Her idea of rest is like me on fast track. She is in burn out now including getting sick. Then tells me all the things she is doing all the while repeatedly getting sick. While she is sick, she is out running around taking care of people. The last time we communicated was over a month ago when she said she was too sick to call or write. Will no longer share with me like we have for the last 14+ years. Does not want to hear me say anything that is not joyful.
So, I want to support her need for space. I do not call. I eagerly wait to hear from her how she is doing. Then the emails and texts start. Factual accountings of her activities, her to do list, her daily schedule, comments that she is taking care of herself, that she went to a family reunion and painted. None of which tells me how she is doing. Not one, how is your day? Then accountings of a crisis in the life relative of a friend of hers. Please pray. That really got to me. After sitting on hold, being told the new rules. say only positive things, don’t call me, I’ll call you. She dumps all this endless negative list of things she has to do and does not know if she can and then asks me to pray for her and this other person having a crisis.
I look back at how very much we have always been there for each other. We were the first ones to call with little things both joys and tears, ups and downs. Now she says she can no longer do that because she is so tired all the time. Yet can not seem to quit the obsessive doing.

Oh my……I think we have been growing in different directions over this last year. What has happened the last month or so I am feeling that we can not go back. That we have no more common ground with which to communicate. I am ready to let this one go but not sure how to do it. Let it die or say something. We have always known we were different in many ways yet always felt this deep connection and respect. I am losing the respect when I hear so many ignorant, judegemental irrational things from someone I always saw as so loving and kinds and non-judegemental. I feel sad and relived at the same time.

By: Trisha

Trisha — Tue, 22 Jul 2014 19:15:09 +0000

I have been reading all these posts and it feels good that others feel like i do.
I recently lost my best friend of 40 years. We were on and off the first maybe 10 then about 20 years ago we got back together after a death of a friend. Things have been getting more and more off track since 2011 when I had my weight loss surgery. What we had in common was going out to eat and I really cant go to restaurants because they serve too much food. So our friendship dwindled away a bit. But we kept in touch. We would go out to a movie now and then. Well about a month ago we had plans to get a salad at this local place and we made the plans on a Weds for a Sunday. Now mind you Karen has to be in control of everything so when I commited to go with her she likes rearranges her whole schedule with her husband and kids. This Sunday we were going she texted me and asked if we were still on and I really wanted to reschedule because I really didnt have the money. That is another thing she makes much more money than I do, but I didnt want to tell her that I didnt have the extra money I was embarrassed. So when she texted me I said well do you mind if we go the next Sunday instead. She went off on me. She said that I didnt have the decentcy to call her to reschedule and that since that was the case she was cancelling on me. This wasnt the first time she went off on me so I basically told her I didnt appreciate being spoken to that way yet again. She said she had alot on her plate etc.. I said I did too. I do I am busy all the time. So basically the last time she did it to me I called her the next day telling her I was sorry etc so we remained friends but I think this time she just really wanted it to end. It was so sudden and I am so hurt. But I wont beg her to be my friend. Am I wrong?

By: Daniel

Daniel — Tue, 22 Jul 2014 15:13:03 +0000

Hope you all manage to find some internal peace with these issues.

By: Susie

Susie — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 17:34:42 +0000

Hi Loz, I can empathize with you. It took a lot of bravery to reach out to your friend. I don’t think it was weak and stupid. It is totally on your friend for acting that way. That is her issue and shows what kind of a person she is. She doesn’t deserve a friend like you. It is her loss. People that act like your friend have no empathy and while I don’t wish anything bad on anyone, I think the way you behave toward others good & bad comes back to you. You are right for moving on. It takes time. But when someone acts like that, it is all you can do.

By: Loz

Loz — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 06:02:37 +0000

2 years on and I still feel terrible. I did something weak and stupid. I was going through a rough day, week and month. In a moment of weakness and not having anyone else to turn to. I rang my ex bestie. She didn’t answer, and I didn’t leave a msg. I shouldn’t have called but I was scared and didn’t want to be alone. (Medical issue). Then 2 days later, because she was the last person I had dialled, I accidently knocked the phone whilst driving and it started ringing. I heard her answer, panicked and hung up. She rang me straight back and left an extremely nasty msg. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t. I just explained my reasoning for calling and apologised via text. Why so I feel so bad? Perhaps it was that she was so angry? I would have never have done anything to upset her. I just feel stupid that I thought she might have been there in my time of need. Now though after that response I know I can move on. She is a very different person to the person who was my friend.

By: Susie

Susie — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 06:39:18 +0000

Everyone here sounds like they would make good friends and its too bad many people who commented have been hurt. I have posted here before and honestly reading my previous posts makes me cringe a little. I wanted to update my story. A couple years ago my aunt passed away and at that time E and I were still not talking. But after my aunt died, I went to go see E and get some closure. One day in January 2012, I drove by her office and saw she was there. So I walked in and talked to her. I said I was sorry for certain things but also expressed I had been hurt by her and I had been thinking about her. She told me that she had lost a major client and that she had to move in with her former boyfriend who is 15 years older and is verbal abusive (there relationship is a roller coaster with him being verbally and emotionally abusive). I expressed concern and gradually E and I got closer again as friends. She and I did not work together but just got to know one another. That Easter E gave me a pearl pendant that I treasured ( I think it came from a relative). And we talked, texted, and saw each other a lot. I thought that E really changed and the dynamic was better. It was very special. Last year I went with E to the doctor when she found a lump- and ended up being ok. And I bought her a pedicure for her birthday. And she made a little care package for me for christmas. A few months ago E started to get more business and I was happy for her. She was hired by a furniture store to do their website. The women were about her age (mid fifties). E started to change. At the time I had been let go from a job so I was unemployed and pretty down. E wasn’t all that supportive and she started to take out her stresses on me. The “old E” started to come back. At times she would apologize and seem remorseful but she would do it again. It got to the point where E would treat me badly and wouldn’t apologize. Things came to a head a couple months ago. I asked E for help with some photos and she said to come to her office. I did and she was rude to me but nice to everyone else. I called her out on it. E and I had it out big time. I even told her that it seems like I care for you but you don’t care about me. I left very upset. Before I left E gave me a camera lens I wanted to borrow- just thrust it in my hands. So a week later I get a text with her asking for it back. She sounded very cold and mean. I tried to call her and she and I met up for lunch the week of thanksgiving. During lunch E was just rude and keep making snide remarks. I tried to talk with her and bring up how things were different between us. It was like talking to a wall. At the end of the lunch, E tried to hug me and I didn’t let her. I was so upset. What I should add to this: A few weeks back E had put some photos I had shot on her client’s web site. E admitted to me that she should have given me credit for the photos but just didn’t have the time. At the time it didn’t really bother me. But after how she treated me in her office that day- I thought I am going to tell those people that they were my photos I shot ( I had met them a couple times when E had introduced me. They had seen me take photos in their store). When I told them I had taken the photos, I said I know that E is doing a great job for you and I’m not trying to take anything away from her. And they understood and even asked me if down the road I could take a photo of them and use it in a post about thanking E for the work she had done for them. To this day, I still don’t know if E knew that I went in there. But anyway, after the lunch she and I had, I was pretty upset. I thought that maybe they had told E I went in there and talked to them about the photos. So I went into the store later that day to ask them. Of course E happened to be in there doing computer work for them. E was rude to me barely looked at me. I asked her if she could call me later and she did. During that phone call, E screamed at me and was very condescending. She got nasty with me. And the kicker was that E called me when she was still in the furniture store. At the beginning of the call she told me your on speaker phone after I had said how she treated me hurt me. And then I calmly asked her to take me off it. E totally lost it and began screaming at me all in her client’s place of business. I was totally undone. My friend whom I was with at the time was totally there for me and basically said what a witch. You were just a friend of convenience for her. Later that night I got a text from E that said to stop all the negative rhetoric. Really? The next day I wrote E a letter and dropped off some stuff she gave me at her office ( the day before Thanksgiving). And later that day I got an e-mail from her wishing me a happy thanksgiving. I didn’t pay attention to it. On Monday I got this terse e-mail from her saying thanks for my stuff back. You forgot the pearl necklace. A couple weeks later I went to see her and it ended up a disaster. I went to talk to her about how she was using a headshot I took of her on her website and how she used some of my photos on her client’s site but I wasn’t getting photo credit. E was nasty and she and I both said mean things to each other. I went to see her clients afterward and said I would like credit for these photos. And they understood and said well she is in charge of that. We will mention it to her but if you would like to use them on your own site, you can. An hour later E sent her clients an e-mail trashing me and making out like I was trying to get her. I wasn’t. So I went back to talk to them. And I talked to their employee (not the owners). I explained everything to her and she was so nice. On the way home, I called E and was like why did you do this? For five minutes I talked loudly let’s say and I just laid everything on the table. And I said the things you mentioned I do regret and am sorry for doing. I was also very very honest with her. And I said you are blaming me for everything and don’t forget you have your part in this too. I was so hurt and upset. Twenty minutes after she sent that first e-mail she sent a second one apologizing and saying she didn’t mean to infer anything bad about me, I was a good photographer etc… The next day she sent me an apology by text saying she didn’t mean to upset me and wished me a merry christmas and said I am a special and kind person. I didn’t respond cause I didn’t believe it was sincere. And I thought what is her deal?? A few hours later I got an e-mail from her so condescending and basically just stirring up a lot of crap about the photos trying to make me look bad. On the two e-mails she sent to them I responded and apologized to her clients for what had happened. After the new year one of the owners of the store called me and said we are taking down your photos- its nothing personal but we don’t want to be involved in this and we called E and told her the same thing. A few days after that I went to see E and I had the pearl pendant. She could barely look at me. E blamed me for everything. And when I told her how you have treated me has really hurt me she walked out of her office and drove away. The next day I texted her and I said I’ve been a good friend to you. I don’t understand this. What is going on? I stuck up for myself but not putting her down. She responded by saying everything was my fault, all I talk about is how she mistreats me, and that she needs space and I upset her, and that I didn’t acknowledge her birthday a week before christmas or the holidays this year. I responded by saying that I missed her on those days but I didn’t think she would have wanted to hear from me. E didn’t respond. A few days later I left a note at her office and I made her a birthday card and cards for Christmas and Thanksgiving. This was two weeks ago and I have heard nothing since. I do feel like she and I are over. Though E and I have had a turbulent friendship, this time I really did think things had changed. I guess I was wrong.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 15:13:16 +0000

Loz, sorry you are still hurting. I think losing a clise friend is extremely painful and the way your friend became was cruel. I learned that sometimes their are things going on that are outside of our control or that have really nothing to do with us. I had reached out to a friend quite a few times and didn’t understand why she was cold lately. Well this week I attended her funeral. It turned out she was suffering from depression and bulimia and I never knew. She died when her organs failed as they couldn’t handle her eating issues. Sometimes people shut us out and it has nothing to do with us. I recently reconnected with the friend above. She reached out to me and I wasn’t ready then I reached out to her and she wasn’t ready then finally she called me and gave me a heartfelt apology. She had been going through menopause and was angry at everyone and suffering from depression and it had nothing to do with me though her behavior appeared so. Though I’m still cautious we are slowly rebuilding our friendship but I will never let it slide into the problems we had before. We’ve both grown up too and want different things. Anyway I have other close friends now too and finally feel happy in that department.

One thing that really helped me is finding people with similar interests and making new friends that way. I am a writer and started going to a lot of writing groups and that helped me heal. If you have a hobby maybe a group can help. Good luck Loz!