It’s true, I have completely lost my grip on the marriage I once thought would last forever. I have to share this story – not just because I need to in order to heal and learn and grow – but because I think others need to see how actions and behaviors can truly damage people so deeply that they just can’t ever recover. Or they choose not to.
I met him when I was 18. I remember thinking he was a dork, so – no first impression rose there. But he stole my heart with his determination and resolve to put me at a place with my weight where I could be a Marine, if I wanted to. Weeks of bike rides, phone calls and laughter sealed the deal for me.
Little did I know what would become of it.
He was my first real boyfriend, but it never did sink in that he was playing around, away from his wife at the time – he didn’t wear a ring. I had no idea. I knew he was interested in another girl, so the competition was on.
Within the first months of our relationship, I was in the two major battles of my lifetime. One for my weight – the other for his love.
Looking back now, I can see the writing on the wall. And me, with a great big can of spray paint, trying to cover it all up.
It wasn’t long before I did give him that rose, with a note that said “I have a feeling that one day I’ll be marrying you.” If you ever want to do something to scare off a guy, girls – that’d do it. I wore my heart on my sleeve and let him take it and break it a hundred times over. It’s okay, I thought – tough, enduring love will always win in the end.
Except it doesn’t.
This is a military life. A military story – with a military ending. This is what can happen inside a military marriage, after the military is done with you. This is a tale of post traumatic stress disorder gone horribly wrong, a story about how pushing a military man to his limits doesn’t make him want to succeed, it makes him feel like he failed.
{15 Comments}
Holding you and your family in prayer, Leanne. :hug:
There’s a lot of guilt in this post, whether merited or not. I hope you can forgive yourself and him and be able to move on to a happy life. It’s possible, trust me.
You hit the nail on the head with this:
“You have to care more about the other person than yourself, and that only works when the feeling is mutual.”
Hug the girls for me. They may not understand now, but they will. Love you, girl.
I was certainly hoping, when I saw the relationship status change, that it was momentary, that you two would find your way back. Your whole family keeps weighing on my mind – I think about our dinner and how happy we all were and I just cannot fathom this.
You stayed and fought – I gave up too easily, more than once, or even twice – it took me several attempts to find Dennis and what we have really works (I wish this for you), but I keep fresh in my mind how tenuous it really all is, we remain vigilant.
It’s hard and I’m sorry for you all. I wish healing for you all and happiness, loads and loads – you really deserve it!!!
While never a good thing, it is sometimes a necessary thing. My heart goes out to all of you.
My heart breaks for you and your family. You’re all in my prayers.
Dear Leanne,
I sit here with a huge lump in my throat and tears flowing after reading this… I commend you for letting all of that out and not holding it in anymore! Feels good, doesn’t it? No more hidden secrets burning a hole in your loving, kind heart!! You express your feelings so openly and I hope, by sharing with all of us, it truly is the start of your new journey forward…
6 years ago I was in similar circumstances after 15 years with someone (my first boyfriend I met when I was 20!) that I now know I never truly knew, understood or loved! A friend sent me the below quote and I’d like to share it with you:
“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”
There’s also a song I want you to listen to by George Strait called “She Let Herself Go.” I wore out that CD just playing that song and singing at the top of my lungs :sing:
Feel free to continue to just let it all out in your blog and know that we all love you “knocked out pretty” Lady!! :grouphug:
You know when I saw his status changed I wasn’t alerted to anything bad. I thought you guys might have been in the middle of teasing each other or a spat that would blow over quickly.
All those times we’ve spoken to each other in the past, even through some rough times you had, I never would have even suspected that there was this much more to the picture! How on earth did you manage to function at such level? You’ve always been in the middle of a battle from what I’ve gathered on this post – always in the middle of keeping the fire burning, keeping the camp safe from intruders and keeping yourself and each member nurtured. Everything appeared so wholesome and successful. I never even noticed you wincing from all that you were having to do in the background 🙁 How do you do it?
I wish you all the very best. Time will reveal it’s plan I guess. As far as I can see, you’re beautiful, young and strong. You will be equal to whatever decision you make for yourself. I’m confident you and your girls will be fine. Who knows, it might mean you, him and your girls. I will continue to pray along with hundreds of people who love you and hurt for you my dear friend. Lift it all to God and lighten your load. I love you!! :friends:
Leanne, I just want you to know that I had a feeling years ago, when I sent you the book, Walking on Water. I prayed for you then because I just knew something was wrong. I am so very sorry that your marriage is over, I know it is very difficult. I also praise God that you are walking with Him and I know that you can heal and God will shelter you and the girls as well as Mark under his wing. I will be praying for you and the girls as you make a new life. Even when it’s the darkest and you can’t see or feel Jesus, he’s there. A seed has to sit in the dark compost (and you know what compost is made of?) before it can germinate and send a shoot up into the sunlight. Be patient and take one day, one hour and one minute at at time and eventually you’ll realize you are walking in the light again. There will be joy all along the way too, keep your eyes open for it, huh? Sending love and prayers your way, sweetie!
Sheila
Every word I can think of seems trite and meaningless right now, but nonetheless, please know that I’m praying for you and your girls, that you will find comfort in the arms and hearts of your friends and family and in God.
🙁
Leanne,
Everything you went through at the beginning of the relationship…it was like reading my own words (minus the military). I stayed with him from the age of 15, and was treated horribly. My friends/family didn’t get WHY I continued to be humiliated and treated so awful while others were interested in me. We eventually married when I thought he changed….but within 3 years, he left me for another woman when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. I was completely devastated. If it wasn’t for my oldest daughter, I probably would have ended my life.
I too fought and fought for the marriage. He was a guy who grew up with a neglectful, selfish, manipulative mom and a dad who died in front of him at the mere age of 11. No counseling, mom told him to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. I could see that scared, grieving boy under all that hostility and anger and insecurity. He just needed me to love him MORE, I thought. Looking back, I don’t know how much MORE I could have done.
We had another child, and he left me again for a different woman. At this point, I had contacted a lawyer and knew the best thing to do was divorce. Suddenly? He started changing. This time, though, he sensed the difference in me, and knew the door wasn’t always open for him. He wound up in the psych ward, and in counseling. All the things that I knew were wrong – using women to make himself feel better; changing people, places and things and drinking instead of dealing with his issues….were confirmed.
The rest of the story…3 more kids, and really, he’s the husband that I knew he could be.
However…..you hit the nail on the head when you said to get it all out – don’t just try to keep the peace. I still have so much resentment that seems to grow every year. While he got all of HIS “stuff” out….I set myself to the side and concentrated on him, diapers, feedings in the middle of the night, getting thru days with 3-5 hours of interrupted sleep. He came home to a clean house, dinner, smiles, and a whole night of sleep. There are days when I love him to pieces…and (too many) days when I wish I would have ended it in high school, or the first time he cheated, or the second time.
All that said, I soooo understand what you are going through. I am here if you need to talk. You sound like you are in a better place….like more accepting of the situation. For that, I admire you so much! You are STRONG, and I hope writing this post helped you. You deserve more. I see you beating yourself up, but one thing I want you to remember is that we REACT. You may feel like you were a monster, but you were reacting to what was going on. It’s human nature. And as time goes on, I hope you will see yourself as a good wife – the best wife ever! – and not the bad guy.
Since he hasn’t changed…he will (eventually) be the same exact way in this new relationship. The magic mistress who fixes the “neglected” husband only happens in the movies or books.
Leanne, this must have been a difficult post but I am sure there are those who will find hope in your words and will see that they are not alone.
Thank you for trusting your readers with your story. Your are in my prayers as your family works through this. God IS your refuge and strength…..lean on Him!!!
Oh… how sad to read this. There is no proper words, but still I want to say something… Always so sad when couples are drifting apart. My heart goes out to you. I know the feeling just too well. My former relationship lasted from I was in the age 16 to I was 44… Back and forward in feelings, just like yours until it finally was no love left. Though there were no one else involved and it was me that finally broke up, it still was very hard after all those years. It’s always so easy to say afterward that there were signs. *sigh* (Now I’m very happy that it ended though, because I’d never have met the biggest love in my life otherwise!)
I also know what PTSD can do with a person – I grew up with a father with PTSD… (yes, from war experiences too)
You go girl! I’m sure there are new happiness out there waiting for you!
((Hugz))
PS. This post is so awesome written – are you sure you don’t want to write a book…?
Sent you an email. Just read this…my heart hurts for you, hon. :hug:
Call me or email or text…I’m here for you. Also, I have a shovel if necessary
Hi Leanne
I landed up reading your story quite by chance, and I identify so clearly with your “fight” for your marriage.
I also ended up losing the “fight” after 36 years and I needed to read about your journey to remind me of what I went through. I also had to deal with military PTSD and I have no advice to offer you because healing is taking me a long, long time. I can only tell you that your art is awesome so hold onto it as proof that you are gifted and special.
Wishing you peace and happiness
Diana
Hi Leanne,
I’m just a stranger who happened upon your blog but I think I was meant to because your words really touched me. You reminded me life’s too short and I can see where I need to correct some of my own behavior.
You are a gifted writer! I even liked these phrases you wrote so much, I made note of them to “quote” you! 🙂
“33. I believe that if you’re going to make a friend, it should be a lifelong friend.”- I agree!
“Wives don’t get to know the things that really go on – unless the husbands decide to tell them. Otherwise, we just fill in the blanks as best we can.” -So true
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best.
Julsie
Sorry, comments are now closed.