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  • Behold the turtle.
    He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
  • Death of a Friendship

    February
    24
    2008

    I’d like to think we can all relate to this topic, can’t we? It’s a sad time in our lives, when we lose a friendship that has become so important to us over time.

    Friendships are such a funny thing. You meet someone, and when you’re young you just go with the flow, if they stick around – great, if not – that’s fine too. Drifting away is normal, losing touch is commonplace. As you get older, though, those nagging thoughts (voices) in your head become louder and more prominent. The drifting doesn’t seem so normal, so immediately I think it has to be something I did. These scenarios play out in any number of ways.

    1. I think it’s something I did, or said. I haven’t heard from her in months, and calls go unreturned.

    2. There’s a strange pause in the conversation, and then a quick subject change, and then the gaps between conversations grow longer and longer, until they stop.

    3. A number of days pass where there’s no connection at all, then you talk but it’s rapid fire, and the fakeness is so thick you can hardly wait to get off the phone and replay the last several months in your head.

    4. She stopped reading my blog.

    Gasp! WHAT? She stopped reading my blog?! Of all of the sins of friendship, isn’t that one like, the most important? Even my mom reads my blog. C’mon. If you love me, you read my blog. That’s the only possible excuse you’d have for not calling. Right?

    Right.

    So all of these things are a good indication that something has gone awry. There are ways to handle it, however, it just baffles me that people choose to let it just disappear without a word. Don’t they have any idea the amount of wondering a person can do? Wondering is dangerous. Side effects include dizziness, stomach upset and in rare cases, vomiting. See? Nothing good comes from wondering.

    Nothingness. And then if you happen to make contact? There are excuses. Are they believable? Legitimate? Do you hold your friendship at the same level as before the long absence? Don’t you feel like you’ve got a big “reject” stamp in the middle of your forehead when this happens? (Oh, please tell me it’s happened to you.)

    There are a few lines in “You’ve Got Mail” that I love, and they are SO true.

    Joe: It wasn’t… personal.
    Kathleen: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s *personal* to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?
    Joe: Uh, nothing.
    Kathleen: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.

    Over the years, I’ve noticed a trend with me and my friendships. I’ve actually set some guidelines now before an acquaintance becomes a friend, and a friend becomes a cherished part of my life. This prevents a lot of pain, and it also gives my friends something to aspire to, if they can tolerate me long enough. It’s pretty simple, there are short-term, mid-term, long-term, and lifelong friendships. Yes, I split them up into categories. It helps me keep track.

    Short-term friendships are those that last two years or less. (I can expand or reduce that amount of time as I see fit, of course.) In this amount of time, you can really determine if you have enough in common to go to the next level, or if you just cut your ties and call it a learning experience. Honestly? Too many people don’t make it past this stage. I must be really annoying. Or something. Most often? No explanation is required. I’m okay with that. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt, because it certainly stings and makes me analyze myself. Okay, I over-analyze myself.

    Mid-term friendships are 2-4 years long. If you make it past the short term, there’s a good chance you’ll make it – because anyone who knows me knows that one year should be about all anyone can take. If you make it past 2, you’re like, gifted. And special. You will get a Christmas card. If you vanish just before or after the 4 year mark, it would be really freakin’ nice to know what I did, because how am I supposed to NOT do that in the future? Really. Specifics are good. I call those losses a lesson in self-improvement. And I cry about them. Yes, I do. You might not THINK I care, but I’m over here caring like a banshee, I’m just not good at communicating that.

    Long-term friendships, 5-10 years long, usually these people know that I’m not good at communicating that I care. I appreciate them even more for knowing my slanted sense of humor equals love and affection, and my aloofness is a result of having children and looking at my monitor for too long. I cry for them, with them, and sometimes, because of them. When a long term friendship ends, it’s like losing an arm. Or at least some fingers. These people are IMPORTANT. They KNOW stuff about me, because I don’t share that stuff with just anybody, and you HAVE to know that if you disappear after that amount of time, I expect all my dirty laundry to have it’s own place on the web that I don’t know about with thousands of commentors saying what an ass I am. I had to have done something horribly, terribly wrong for a long term friendship to vanish. Seriously. What did I say? What did I do? You can’t just get to this stage and exit stage left without leaving a note. These losses are heartbreaking, and sad, and mournful.

    Lifelong friendships – well, obviously they never left. Beyond the stage of needing any explanation that life happens, comfortable enough for just 2 calls a year (as long as she never forgets my birthday, and I never forget hers, we will always be sisters at heart). Those are wonderful, cozy, giggly and loving friendships that you know will never end. I’m so glad I have these, because I truly cherish them. And I’m also very glad I haven’t mourned the loss of one of these friends, because that would only happen by death, and that would be so sad that I would be blogging through Kleenex. There would be no other way.

    I do spend a lot of time wondering, though, about those mid and long-term disappearances. Why is it so hard to say goodbye, if you share so much? I have friends who have gone through this as well. One day you wake up and one of your best friends is just gone. Someone you let in a little more than others, someone whose friendship you thought you were building to go to the next level. No explanation, no forwarding address – and when you leave more than just a few messages you start feeling like a stalker. How can one person care so much more than the other? How can someone just let it go *poof* without a word?

    What has to happen in order for it to be SO bad that a person doesn’t even rate enough for a call, an apology, a friendship breakup song on tape in a small brown box without a return address in the mailbox on a rainy gray afternoon?

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    {86 Comments}

    1
    pam said,

    I had to laugh at the blog reading part… My BFF does not read my blog. Most of my friends don’t. And that’s ok. ;)

    It may not be about you. I know that sounds weird, but sometimes -like in church- people just ‘fall away’. It would be nice to know what went wrong, but often it simply comes down to time and distance and kids… life intrudes and people gain other friends and you are squeezed out, becoming a stranger.

    I’m sorry someone was rough with your feelings. But it sounds as if they don’t deserve your gift of friendship, anyway.

    Hope you feel better soon. :hug:

    pam’s last blog post..Good for what ails you

    2.24.2008 @ 10:00 am
    2
    Marsha said,

    Maybe something is going on with your friend and she is embarrassed or not ready to talk about it yet. Sometimes that happens to me, I just am all tangled up inside but not able to share it right now. I hope you are able to get back together.

    Marsha’s last blog post..A Battle of Wills

    2.24.2008 @ 11:14 am
    3
    taba said,

    i’m sorry. it stinks. :grouphug:

    2.24.2008 @ 12:49 pm
    4
    phoenix said,

    I am the worlds worst for keeping friends. I sometimes let them drift away and I have no idea why. Then when they are gone… I miss them terribly. My problem is that I am not a good communicator. I forget birthdays. I forget special moments that need acknowledging. I let things slip by that are important all the time.

    Sometimes I think it is because I was an only child and never learned proper socializing. (If that makes sense). I am terrible on the phone most times and have trouble carring on a conversation. I am bad at calling someone (even my mother) and when I run out of things to say I will end the conversation. I know it isn’t the proper way to do this… but it is my way of covering my lack of skills.

    I hope your friend finds his or her way back. Offering a virtual hug to get you by… :) :friends:

    2.24.2008 @ 1:00 pm
    5
    Renee said,

    It’s rough when a friendship ends…it’s kinda like a divorce…sometimes you just fall apart and others there’s a big blow up. At least with the blow ups you know what happened. To often with friendships they end with the falling apart. Hugs

    I’ve been a bit of a stalker when I’ve had the falling apart friendships. Like you, I would just like to know why. But there’s yet another bit of closure that I’ll never have. sigh

    Renee’s last blog post..Pizzagna curiosity

    2.24.2008 @ 4:11 pm
    6
    DeeJay said,

    :bunny:

    Can I be your friend now, please?

    You can never have too many in my opinion.

    :kiss:

    DeeJay’s last blog post..Love

    2.24.2008 @ 4:12 pm
    7

    I can totally relate. I had – what I thought was a very good friend – I have not spoken one word to her in many years. She called me and reamed me out for something I supposedly did. She did the same thing to another friend of mine. Alas, I think she just wanted to end the friendships. I think she felt that we weren’t good enough to be her friends since she’d moved to a new and more exclusive neighborhood (heaven forbid the normal people should visit and give her a lousy reputation). The writing was on the wall when she moved and didn’t bother to mention it to any of us… Yup.. that was a pretty big clue.

    2.24.2008 @ 4:45 pm
    8
    All Adither said,

    Oh, the breakup. Really hard. Especially when you don’t know why. I think most often it has to do with the person who does the drifting and probably not you at all.

    2.24.2008 @ 7:34 pm
    9
    ANappyGirl said,

    Women can be really complex. We make the best friends, or the worst ones. Sometimes people pull away, because they can’t handle staying close — and it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s all about them, and that’s the way it is.

    Now, if you’re like me, you have problems with flakiness. If I’ve done something, tell me. If I call you, don’t blow me off. If anything we had can remotely be called a “friendship” (long term), then I expect the courtesy of closure — if it’s nothing more than, “Our relationship has served its purpose in my life, and I need to move on”. Okay. I wish you the best. It takes guts to be a grownup, but for goodness sakes, be a grownup. Don’t treat me like I’m…nothing. Gotta big problem with that. Cuz if I call someone “friend”, that means something to ME, whether it means something to the other person or not. Obviously there are different “levels” of friendship. But the lightest level still deserves a level of consideration and respect.

    I have ONE, true-blue, take-a-bullet-for-me, pray with/cry with, all-weather friend. We’ve been friends, since we were 14 years old. We’re in our forties now. I know her. She knows me. You’re blessed to get one of those, in life. I am blessed. Everybody else may drift in and out, and that’s cool because I don’t invest too much, in the first place. I keep it light, cuz that’s what most folks can handle. Seriously.

    I’m sorry about your loss. Pray for your lost friend, and release her — God will always supply what (who) we need to grow and stretch us, so we become better people.

    Blessings Leanne! :love:

    ANappyGirl’s last blog post..We?re Snowed In!

    2.24.2008 @ 8:22 pm
    10

    Itsso sad when friendships fade away, though sometimes two people just grow away from each other. I’ve certainly had that situation,

    But the death of what had seemed like a good friendship is really difficult. Sorry to read about it.

    Crafty Green Poet’s last blog post..Mother of Pearl Clouds

    2.25.2008 @ 6:06 am
    11
    MOM said,

    I wouldn’t be so quick to bury her. She has been there through thick and thin – maybe she’s going through her own “muddle” right now and can’t be there for you. Maybe she just needs your support and patience – and maybe persistance – you know, to show that she really matters to you…? Or I could be all wet and that would just put the final nail in the coffin… It’s not easy!

    2.25.2008 @ 6:30 am
    12
    June said,

    It’d be easy to leave a comment that’s at least as long as your post, but in the interest of brevity, I’ll try to narrow down to a few points:

    1. I was surprised…and frankly, relieved…to see that many of your friends don’t read your blog. Most of mine don’t either. I’ve always wondered why. Heck, I’d never know if they read it or deleted it…why not let me THINK they’re interested! Perhaps worse are the ones who subscribed and then unsubscribed.

    2. Who’s to say why people come and go in our lives… sometimes it’s just that people grow in different directions and at different paces. I know that since I’ve stopped golfing, that entire group of “friends” and I have lost contact. I see now that golf was the only thing holding us together. With others, changes in either my life or theirs have morphed our friendship into something less than it was.

    3. This life is a transient thing…the only thing that’s constant is change. Yes, I can philosophize, but in the end, it’s tough. It’s tough because it’s not just a question of “why don’t they like me anymore?”…at least for me. For me, it also stirs up thoughts about my life and its cycles. Depending on my state of mind I crawl inside myself and mourn, or I gather myself and move on.

    :friends:

    June’s last blog post..Small Things

    2.25.2008 @ 7:28 am
    13
    Kerry said,

    I loved this post. I have agonized over so many dead relationships. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me that not every friendship survives forever. Then I turn around and kill a friendship without so much as a word to the person as to why. So as often as I feel sorry for myself on this subject, it turns out that I suck.

    2.25.2008 @ 8:13 am
    14
    lulu said,

    Beautifully written, Leanne. I wish that I could offer you some advice, but I’m a bit out of the norm as far as friends go. I mainly hang out with my family members—sister, cousins, aunts & uncles—that I barely have time for friends. Actually, I guess they are my friends. And I’m related. So, they can’t get rid of me. :giggle:

    BTW – your blog design just gets more beautiful by the day. I am so envious.

    lulu’s last blog post..TOFUnkified

    2.25.2008 @ 4:56 pm
    15
    Geekwif said,

    I’ve had enough friends disappear from my life for various reasons that I tend to just expect it now. (Yeesh. Makes me sound real loveable, doesn’t it? :rolleyes: ) I have only a few very close friends who I am sure will be a part of my life until the day I die, but the rest I enjoy for the time I have them, knowing that things can change at any time. Sometimes a change in one’s life can completely upset the balance of a friendship.

    That said, it is really hard when a friend you thought would be a lifetime friend suddenly and unexpectedly turns out not to be. I never write them off entirely though; you never know when an old friend might become a new friend all over again.

    Geekwif’s last blog post..Somebody Help Me – I Can’t Breathe

    2.25.2008 @ 7:14 pm
    16
    Sleeping Mommy said,

    I don’t make friends easily. I never have. Not real ones in real life. In college I experienced the first real loss of friendship I ever had–I hadn’t put myself out there enough to have lost anyone I considered a good friend. It happened several times in college. I never understood it.

    I only have a couple of real friends (people I consider friends–through thick and thin friends, not aquaintances) left. Sometimes I am okay with that. Other times? Not so much.

    2.25.2008 @ 9:53 pm
    17

    I read this post the other day and didn’t comment at the time because I had so much to say, I’d take up your comment section. :)
    And now I see that your other readers were echoing my thoughts as well.

    I wonder if part of the way you feel is because there’s no closure, really. and that’s hard on anyone. It could be that she has issues of her own that she’s going through, hopefully that’s the reason. Sometimes we inadvertently hurt the ones we care about the most, because we take them for granted. Maybe that’s what she has done, I don’t know.

    But remember there are those who do care about you, and they see the good in all you do and value you just for who you are. And that’s the truth. ;)

    Friendships, can often take a lot of work.

    Btw, I’ve got to echo what lulu said, your blog design really just gets so beautiful with every redesign. I love the pale flowers in the background that show up as I type this comment, and the light chocolate and tan colors as well. the leaves here and there, the bunnies and the notebook…..Gorgeous!!!!

    Laura VitaminSea’s last blog post..A few things to tell you…

    2.26.2008 @ 9:35 am
    18
    Lisa's Chaos said,

    Kinda sounds like marriage. :) I used to spend a lot of time wondering what happened but I really think it’s not anything you (or I) did but people just tend to drift together and apart. Maybe I’m sad, I don’t have any lifelong friends, we have all moved apart and on with our lives. I would say most of my friendships are in the 2-6 year marks. Just seems to be the way of life. I still think about many of hte people I’ve lost touch with and wonder where they are and what they’ve been up to. I wish I knew how to contact them but. . .

    Lisa’s Chaos’s last blog post..he only has eyes for me

    2.28.2008 @ 8:43 am
    19
    Wendy said,

    This post really resonates with me, I have a friend who actually used to also be my boss, and he suddenly cut off ALL contact not all that long ago. I am pretty sure I am blocked on his aim messenger and I have left him several messages on facebook etc ( he never accepted my add to friends thing there lol)
    It is all really odd and I have no answers. It has been several months and I still think about it from time to time. I don’t really know who does or doesn’t read my blog apart from the time I had half of TV New Zealand tracking me ahahah

    Wendy’s last blog post..How to shame and humiliate your cat

    3.2.2008 @ 7:22 pm
    20
    Kelly said,

    I stumbled into your blog because I was looking for stuff on losing friends.

    I had one of those blow-up-ending friendship losses. It was a lot of vague accusations with no real ability to defend myself or be heard. It has been a year now…still no real closure.

    Thanks for writing this entry. :cat:

    Kelly’s last blog post..I can’t get that song out of my head!

    3.10.2008 @ 10:34 am
    21
    Annie said,

    Hi!
    Thank you for writing this post! I found it when I looked up “Where does a friendship go when it dies?” I have lost, maybe permanently, a friend that I shared a lot of love with. We used to have lots of laughs and serious heart to heart talks. We spent hundreds of hours communicating…I poured out my heart to her and her to me. But it ended and there was nothing I could do about it. She outright ignored calls and cards, was avoided me and was even curt and rude to me when we had brief encounters.
    This really broke my heart.
    When given the opportunity, I asked her what was going on? Had I hurt her her in some way? No. She hopes I forgive her. She says she feels the potential for a close friendship, wants to keep the connection, wants to be my friend and spend time with me.
    Alas, nothing changes if nothing changes. She seems to be glad to see me at family gatherings, yet is superficial in her conversation. There’s no outreach from her. She continues to disregard any contact I make. Whatever she’s going through, if anything, she hasn’t invited me in to find out.
    For now, this is the way things are. A friendship takes two. I still have my warm and caring heart. I still have gratitude for all that we shared. When I get pulled too much into my emotions, I give myself a dose of the serenity prayer and send her love and a blessing from my heart

    6.26.2008 @ 3:17 pm
    22

    […] Thanks for all the kind comments and nice emails — one reader forwarded this to me, which made me laugh out loud. Friendships are such a funny thing. You meet someone, and when you’re young you just go with the […]

    7.3.2008 @ 11:06 pm
    23
    Mary J. said,

    Wow. So many people in the same boat as I am. I am ready to let go of a friendship that has turned into a one way street. She was very special to me, older, and I considered her like a second mother. All of a sudden, she just stopped calling me, and it’s only me who tries to keep in contact. She says awful things to me that I can’t believe would come from her. I don’t know what’s wrong, and if I even come close to asking her, she shuts me off. I’m really going to miss her though because she was really there for me when I went through some of the worst times of my life. There’s no doubt that I will always love her.

    4.22.2009 @ 7:23 pm
    24
    Andrea M. said,

    Thanks for writing this entry:) I, too, goggled “what happens when a friendship dies” and found your post.

    It’s so hard to deal with, but I agree that all too often there’s no concrete explanation for it:(

    I just came to realize today that one of my friendships has been dying for a while now. When my friend got a new job, our conversations grew fewer and fewer. I just realized today that we have not hung out for the entire summer (yes, summer is busy and we took our vacations at different times, but not once is hard for me to fathom). Our friendship became minimized to a cluster of facebook interactions: messages, thumbs up, and wall comments. When she stopped replying to my private messages, I started to notice. When I called her today to ask if I had done something to offend her, she seemed genuinely unaware there was a problem. She didn’t even realize that she’d failed to reply to my messages. I didn’t realize until after our conversation that there were so many messages from me left unanswered. I just counted and there are 7 in a little over a month!
    Funny thing is…I don’t think I did anything. Her life just got busy with work and I became insignificant. During our conversation today, she mentioned that she had a lot on her plate and couldn’t deal with one more burden. That’s all I’ve become to her…a burden she has to answer to.
    It saddens me…and angers me (I guess, if I am honest, the anger comes because it hurts my pride to think our friendship meant so little to her).
    I’ll probably always wonder if we could’ve saved our 3 year friendship from fading away…but I do know this: Friendships are like flowers…if you fail to nuture them, they will die. I want to share my little metaphor with her, but fear it will just be another burden for her to bear, so I choose to share it here.
    If there are new developments on your dying friendship, please be sure to update us. :grouphug:

    8.13.2009 @ 8:59 pm
    25
    jill said,

    thank you so much for this post and all the comments. i relate to so many of the postings. i found this blog because i have lost a dear friend.
    we shared 7 very good years. i have wonderful and close friends from childhood but she was the most significant friend i’ve made (other than my husband) in my adult life.
    it unraveled slowly at first, and then very suddenly it was over this past summer. she called it quits on a voice mail message. we’d exchanged some e-mails trying to work through a conflict and based on the e-mails, she decided (in her words) to let our friendship go. she didn’t tell me what triggered her to leave. it was sudden and especially painful because one of my childhood best friends died _the same week_ from an aneurysm.
    i can’t believe she bailed when she did, but i suppose she showed me her true colors?
    it’s so hard for me to square the timing of her exit. i am angry and sad. it’s also hard not to have an explanation or final conversation. the best i can do at this point is pray for her and be grateful for the friends i do have. thanks for reading and providing a space to share.

    10.5.2009 @ 3:05 pm
    26
    Angela said,

    Even though this actual blog entry is almost 2 years old, it still resonates with so many of us.
    A friendship that wasn’t that long in years (3 maybe), but felt like it was a sisterhood has all but ended. sigh Yes, there is definitely a grieving period associated with losing a friend. I acknowledge and have apologized for my part in the “breakup”, but it seems that the words were just blown apart in the wind and never heard.
    Life. A door closes…another opens.

    1.28.2010 @ 2:11 pm
    27
    Leanne said,

    Angela – thanks for commenting. Yes, it is all still very, very true. In fact, I went through it again just a month ago. It completely, totally sucks. But you’re right, because as that door closed, one opened within moments.

    Some relationships are meant to dissolve, sad as it is – we grieve, and we learn.

    :)

    1.28.2010 @ 2:18 pm
    28
    Andrea M. said,

    I just received an email message that there were new posts, so I came back to read the updates. It’s funny, when I re-read my entry, I remember the pain I felt then, but I do not feel it as much now. We never revived our friendship, but I think I’ve chosen to accept it and move on. We still see each other at social gatherings, but we don’t have an intimate conversations like we did in the past. I saw her this weekend and all she could talk about were her co-workers. I don’t know them, so had nothing to add to the conversation, and it made me realize we don’t have much in common anymore. I wouldn’t say a new door has opened ( I haven’t found a friend who lives in our relatively new town that I spend as much time or share as much with), but I’m not dealing with the grief any more, either. Time helps us to heal. But, true, close friendships are hard to find, so if you have one that is on the brink, do what you can to save it. I feel that I did my part, and that’s really all that you can do.

    1.28.2010 @ 2:40 pm
    29
    Leanne said,

    Andrea,

    I’m so glad that time is healing your pain. It’s odd to look back on things – I look back on my original post and remember that time very vividly – and am so grateful for the healing that came from that time and the healing of the relationship with that friend.

    Now, I have newer – more recent pain to look back on but you know? After months of pulling away, it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I think, like you, there was a gradual growing apart that made the actual break up easier to bear.

    :friends:

    1.28.2010 @ 2:48 pm
    30
    Debbie said,

    We pick and choose our friends, but not our family. I have to accept the women my brothers married, so after reading this blog I’ve come to believe it’s a waste of time to try and accept the women my male platonic friends marry. Long story, but 25 years of friendship’s on a literal life support right now behind an email misunderstanding. Why? My male friend’s wife and sister refuse to talk to me.

    I too have a childhood friend. We’ve been friends for 46 years. We have totally different values when it comes to quite a few things, but we bonded as girls and have been there for one another through death, divorce, financial problems.

    Friendships aren’t measured in calendar days, in my opinion.

    Thanks for addressing your concerns.

    6.10.2010 @ 1:00 pm
    31
    Anonymous said,

    I divorced my husband six years ago. Little did I realize it would also mean the death of one of my closest, longest-running friendships. My friend of 20 years simply could not deal with my drama. If I tried to talk about the divorce, she would immediately change the subject. It really frosted me at the time because I had dutifully listened to her complain about her own spouse for years. But when it was my turn to need support, she just couldn’t handle it. I guess in retrospect she was freaked out because her own marriage was so shaky, but I felt she could’ve at least let me cry on her shoulder. Nope, wasn’t gonna happen. I HAD to talk to someone about it, so I began confiding in other friends, and eventually drifted away from her. I’m now remarried and doing great, and my divorce seems like a long-ago bad dream. But the close relationship I had with my friend has never rekindled. And you know what? I still think about her all the time and miss her every day.

    10.12.2010 @ 11:26 am
    32
    abby said,

    I agree with phoenix.. actually, i realized this just recently. I find it hard to keep the fire burning.. sometimes, no, most of the times, when friends won’t see each other for a long time, many things will eventually change most especially the bonds created between them. You’ll just have to accept reality and get ready to let someone else enter in your life. I’m sorry if I become a bit rude but it’s what do some people like me does.. better to vanish without a word than keeping something I am not sure if I still would wanna keep.

    11.8.2010 @ 5:53 am
    33
    Amy said,

    I’m like Kelly. I had one of those blow-up-ending friendship losses. It was a lot of vague accusations with no real ability to defend myself or be heard. It has been three months now. And just today realized that it is time to mourn the loss. That thought actually uplifted me. I think the best replacement for a lost friend is a new friend; however, a friend that you have a real connection with is so hard to find. It could take months or more likely, years.
    Any advice?

    12.6.2010 @ 3:20 pm
    34
    Leanne said,

    Amy – how long were you friends?

    I think in this life if we can count our long term friendships on two fingers, we are lucky. There are too many people who don’t have any forgiveness in their hearts and don’t know how to love without expectations.

    I am sorry for your loss.

    12.6.2010 @ 3:27 pm
    35
    Amy said,

    I was friends with her for about three years. We talked almost daily. We travel in the same social circles so running into her is very awkward and uncomfortable. I hosted an evening out w/friends, she showed up and completely ignored me. When I tried to open up the topic of mending our friendship, any words I used seemed to inflame her. Apparently, anything I say can and will be used against me.

    12.6.2010 @ 3:59 pm
    36
    Leanne said,

    Ouch. :(

    I would just be sweet to her.

    Recently, someone was irritated with me about something (business related) and took it to a personal level. It was really awkward and uncomfortable because she was really resentful toward me. I decided that how I run my business is fair and how I handled that particular situation was also fair, she just took it completely wrong. So, my attitude was exactly that. I was fair, they were being irrational. When the lines of communication are shut down, all you can do is remain rational and kind, and eventually, they’ll get over it.

    Doesn’t mean you’ll be friends on the other side (believe it or not, we ended up being decent), but at least you’ll know that you are being true to you – and you’ll accept that it’s okay not to be best friends with everyone.

    Meanwhile, have some chocolate.

    :friends:

    12.6.2010 @ 4:16 pm
    37
    Grace said,

    This is a great post. I had a tumultous friendship and professional relationship with my ex boss and friend. I am in my 20’s and she is in her 50’s. There were some great times but she treated me very badly at times and I shouldn’t have stuck around. She has a lot of issues. Basically things ended with a big blow out. I tried to reach out to her. She ended up hanging up on me when I called. I ended up calling again and leaving a voicemail. I also wrote a note and bought an Xmas ornament and left it on her doorstep. I have received no response. It feels like a divorce. I am heartbroken and sad. I was great to her but not perfect. I know I gave a lot to her and she didn’t appreciate it- if she did she never said so. In my note I said that I love you and I miss you and working at V was it for me. I wanted her to teach me so much and she was just too wrapped up in herself. I am really sad. But reading this I feel like I am not alone. I was hoping for a Hollywood happy ending- there were issues- or at least the chance to talk to her and get closure but I got neither. I think I am dead to her.

    12.18.2010 @ 11:45 pm
    38
    Grace said,

    To update my situation I tried to reach out to E again. I sent a really cute book about cats to her via Amazon. I gift wrapped it and had it sent over. I did not put my name on it because I felt she would just send it back. But she did that anyway. This just breaks my heart. I am not working now and struggling to start my business. E has the choice to really teach me so I can help her- she is a graphic designer. I wanted to stay working for her- the one place were I felt I belonged. How can someone just abandon you when you give so much to them and they know your situation? I don’t get it. E was like family to me. She could be difficult and a little bipolar somtimes but I thought she cared and now I feel very stupid. My gut instinct tells me that she sent the package back because she knew it was from me. How can someone hate me that much when I gave a lot? One of the things I did for her was when she was stressed or sick I made a little care package for her. E was like the big sister I never had and almost like a Mom to me in a way. There were times she was verbally abusive but there were times she was the best person ever- in a way E could be like a grizzly bear. It breaks my hurt to think she could just turn her back on me like this and it seems like E is blaming everything on me and ignoring her less than stellar behavior. Part of me just want to leave her a voicemail or try to call her but the other part of me thinks what is the point. How can people be like this? It makes me angry to think she is living her life happy as can be while I struggle so much.

    1.12.2011 @ 4:34 pm
    39
    Anonymous said,

    Grace, that is a very sad story. You have made it clear the door is open when or if your friend chooses to re-establish contact. The ball is in her court. She may eventually become curious about how you are doing, or come to regret freezing you out and want to get back in touch. In the meantime, get on with your life, make new friends, and just look at this as taking a break from each other. From what you’ve written, it sounds like it may have been a slightly unhealthy, one-sided friendship. Maybe this is the jolt it needed for the two of you to start relating as real friends, not an abusive mother-daughter dynamic. You can find strength in the fact that you two once loved each other, with all your flaws, and may again someday. Good luck to you.

    1.17.2011 @ 1:45 pm
    40
    Grace said,

    I appreciate your kind words. There is a lot of wisdom in what you said. As of now I have heard nothing from E. I am trying to find a job in the state with the highest unemployment. E can make a huge difference in my life and teach me if she so chose to- even giving me a part-time job would help… I gave so much to E and it hurts to be treated like trash. Some days are better than others. I do pray for E but there are many times when I am very angry and hurt and I think I will be for awhile.

    1.25.2011 @ 10:19 am
    41
    Grace said,

    For an update to my situation. E called me because she needed some information for my 1099 form. She left a very message that was very condescending to me- in a really mean tone of voice. I talked to her on Monday and gave her the information. I gave her my mailing address- she did not say hi, how are you, or anything like that. Was just very unpleasent and when I finished giving her the info just slammed the phone down. I have a hunch that underneath all of that hateful behavior she is hurting. But it is out of my hands. I feel very sad but what can I do? No one won here at all.

    2.4.2011 @ 6:33 pm
    42
    Leanne said,

    So sorry to hear that, Grace. Some people find forgiveness a monumental task and it becomes an obstacle they just can’t overcome. She’ll regret it in the long run.

    Hugs!

    2.7.2011 @ 3:02 pm
    43
    Old Mom said,

    Post #31 sounds like what happened to me. My husband and I were close friends with another couple. We often went to dinner and the movies together. Beth (not her real name) and I babysat for each other, took our children to the park, went to garage sales, and talked on the phone several times a week. When my husband and I separated, all that stopped. Overnight, Beth disappeared from my life. At first, I was too heartsick to care. Then I was hurt and angry. I had reached out to Beth when her father died unexpectedly. I gave her rides when her car broke down. I listened to her ongoing complaints about her in-laws. Where was she when I needed a friend? Why hadn’t she reached out to me?

    A year later, I ran into her at the grocery store. It was very awkward. I was still mad, and it showed. She apologized for not calling me, claiming she “didn’t know what to say.” I replied that she could have started with “Hi, how are you?”

    We tentatively became friends again, but it wasn’t the same. It was obvious (and laughable) that Beth didn’t want me around her husband anymore, because she only invited me to her house when he wasn’t there.

    A few years later, Beth and her family moved away. We exchanged emails for a while, but soon ran out of things to say. She never replied to my email about my mother’s death. That was 11 years ago.

    I recently found a box of old pictures I’d forgotten about. There were the four of us again, much younger and skinnier! Beth and I had the big hair and shoulder pads of the 1980’s. There was a picture of our children in a wading pool; how well I remember the day it was taken. The pictures brought back so many happy memories. I wish Beth and I could have remained “best friends forever.” I still miss her.

    2.11.2011 @ 11:49 am
    44
    Sheena said,

    I had always been a welcome guest at my best friend’s birthday parties, dinner parties, Superbowl parties, etc. All that ended the day I told her I was getting a divorce. She told me how sorry she was, asked if there was anything she could do for me — then never again invited me into her home. I was suddenly persona non grata. It was painful and shocking, but it did make me cherish and thank God for the friends who stood beside me during this darkest chapter in my life. They remain my friends to this day. And my other friend? I have no idea and don’t much care anymore. There is nothing like a divorce to show you who your real friends are!!

    2.28.2011 @ 1:42 pm
    45
    Sophie said,

    I have just lost the person I thought was my very “best friend”. She lied, insulted me and then betrayed me. Wow, it hurts so much I feel my heart has broken. How can people do this to other people? She has now replaced me with someone else but I still think of her every day. It makes me feel so sad. We shared so many happy moments. I wonder if she thinks of me too but she says “No” she has other friends now and doesn’t need me anymore. I feel so alone and your words helped as I can see this happens to so many people. I mentioned once about a friend I lost touch with and she said that must have hurt but no-one ever hurt me like she did. I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again.

    5.25.2011 @ 10:44 am
    46
    Susie said,

    Dear Sophie,
    I am so sorry that you experienced this. This woman was no “friend”. She sounds like a two faced witch who is really selfish. You deserve better. There are better people out there who will be your friend. Consider this- If she has done it to you then she may very well have treated other people like this as well and may do the same thing to your “replacement”. This woman may be unable for whatever reason to sustain a close relationship for the long haul. There are so many people out there who will be your friend. Don’t let one bad apple spoil it for you. Don’t let this woman by you putting your guard up and never trusting again.
    Here are some things to do to feel better- make a list of all your good qualities, and then make a list of all the things she did that pissed you off. Do things you enjoy doing and realize that she lost out on a great friend. Also, karma has a funny way of catching up with people. What goes around comes around. This is her loss.

    Sincerely,

    Susie

    5.25.2011 @ 6:07 pm
    47
    Susie said,

    I would like to share the ending of my friendship story with E as I have commented here before.
    For the last ten weeks I had worked for E. For anyone that is interested in the backstory read my previous posts under “Grace”. I was laid off from a part time job that I had and I wanted to work and also hoped to learn from her since she is a graphic designer. So for the last ten weeks I updated her business facebook page, blog, did errands, and resolved a health insurance issue that got her a 500.00 dollar reimbursement check for a colonoscopy she had.
    Last week when I came into get my check she fired me by telling me to have a nice life and I said she just cared about herself, and I told her she was going to be sad and lonely. No thank you for the work that I did. Only the day before she was showing me things in the office. it was real nice. On Mother’s Day E and I did a charity walk together for cancer and I took her out for coffee. E knew that I was struggling and I even told that I wanted a mentor and friend and a job. I was so hurt that I wrote a note saying how badly I felt with a list of my property she had and slipped the note and a pic of us at Moms On the Run under the door. I finally heard from her by e-mail yesterday in which she blamed everything on me and was just basically a s***. E told me that I could come get my stuff and that it was outside of her office door. E had a library book that was mine and she denied having it but to “be nice” she wrote a check for 50.00 and put it with my things. I thought at this point I do not need her charity if she is such an ugly person who is a witch. So I shoved the check under her office door with a post it note saying, ” After that e-mail I do not want your money”. So I take pride in being the only person ever to have worked for her to have returned a check! I do have to pay for the book but it is not that much money. So on my way out E had a white Jaguar so I spit her door handle, windshield, and driver’s side window, and gave her car a good swift kick on the driver’s side. No lasting damage just my footprint. Yes, I could have taken the money and given it to a charity or even kept it but after she treated me that way it felt so wrong. Was I only worth 50.00 dollars to her? It is like she was trying to buy me off and justify doing what she did. So I have to content myself with the hope that God is a God of justice and what goes around comes around.

    5.25.2011 @ 6:20 pm
    48
    Leanne said,

    Susie aka Grace,

    I am so sad to hear this. I understand that there is a lot of hurt going on in your heart but to let it turn into anger is such a sad thing to see. I don’t understand why you would be so hateful after re-reading your other comments. You had tried so hard to show her you cared and what she meant to you, and no matter what her response, I really feel like you should have just let it go, and let God. When we take it into our own hands is when we mess it all up.

    Hope things get better for you.

    5.26.2011 @ 6:34 am
    49
    Susie said,

    You know I think I am angry at myself too~ that again I showed her how much I cared and opened my heart and this happened. What gets to me most is that E had the nerve to make it seem like what happened was my fault in that e-mail she sent. E was very callous and cruel. It will take time to get over this. But I also know that underneath the anger is a lot of hurt too. The interesting thing is looking back whenever things were good between us she would push me away~ like she was trying to sabotage things. Regardless I will never let myself be hurt and used by her again. I can’t. My goal is to get to the point were God can sort this out. But I am not there yet.

    5.26.2011 @ 1:13 pm
    50
    Susie said,

    To give an update to my situation E sent me a very ugly e-mail denying she fired me, taking some cheap shots at me, saying some nasty things. If E really wanted this to be over with she could have refrained from responding. It sucks that she is acting like this is all my fault. I sent her an e-mail trying to clarify some things. If I do not hear back from her I am not trying again. I didn’t deserve to be treated like this.I feel that E is trying to blame everything on me. I do not want to talk to her because I think that E would twist things around or even hang up on me or put words in my mouth. :( This sucks.

    5.26.2011 @ 6:12 pm
    51
    Leanne said,

    Sorry, Susie. One thing is certain – at the end of the friendship neither see things the other way. You only see it their way after time heals those wounds. :(

    5.26.2011 @ 7:23 pm
    52
    Jennifer said,

    I recently lost a very dear friend of many years. She stuck by me during a very difficult divorce and listened to my countless hours of ranting and raving about my ex husband. I listened to her many complaints about the her difficult and troubled teenage daughters and financial constraints. Thats what friends do. I had been suffering terrible anxiety and depression in recent months and made the horrible mistake of drinking too much one night and making a real fool of myself. I called her in the midst of the “crisis’ and she came quickly; with her husband and two teenage children (why?!) When it became evident that I was fine but intoxicated-she left. I was guilt ridden for days, hysterical, embarassed, ashamed etc. I have also decided to start seeing a professional to get my anxiety in check. Well, the biggest hurt of all is that she is no longer talking to me! I bumped into her and she ignored me and her daughter snickered at me. I can not tell you how badly this hurt. I feel like I completely misjudged the person she is and NEVER should have trusted her. I also bailed her daughter out of many rediculous social situations, sending nude pictures, sneaking out and hitchchiking, fist fighting in school etc.

    Now I make ONE mistake while going through a grueling period of my life and she judges me?? really??

    Some people are not capable of forgiveness and truly giving. I will never talk to this narrow minded person again.

    2.26.2012 @ 7:38 am
    53
    grace said,

    So sorry to hear that Jennifer. Your friend sounds like she has issues. You should be proud that you were such a good friend to her. I agree that it was very narrow minded of her to treat you the way she did especially considering how you bailed out her daughter, which was nice of you to do. Do you think there is something going on you don’t know about? I do agree how she treated you was cruel and what a bad example she is setting to her daughter! We all have bad moments and if someone is a friend they don’t hold it against us.

    3.1.2012 @ 3:54 pm
    54
    Loz said,

    So in the past two weeks, I’ve lost a friendship that has meant more to me than any other relationship i have ever had before in my life. At first she was a little distant and then simply cold. We had contact each and every day before this. There is a third person who she works very closely with who i think has had a huge impact on what has happened. I don’t know because she hasn’t returned my calls, or texts. The only text i got was leave it alone, and delete my number after reading this message. I pleaded via text for an explanation, and then just yesterday i wrote a letter. I obviously haven’t had a reply and don’t really expect to. In the letter i told her of my concerns regarding this third person. In fact the week prior to I voiced my concerns about trust with this third person, she completely agreed, and understood why i wanted to take a step back from this girl. Everything was great and fine for a week. then it wasn’t. In the letter i was very level headed. I stated my concerns, told her how much she meant to me, explained more in the letter than perhaps i ever had in person. and then i wished her my best. I left it open to a reply if she felt the need. I took 3 days to write the letter, so i know i included everything i wanted to say. But I’m absolutely devastated that someone i shared so much with, who was always so warm, kind and affectionate, who told me i was the sister she never had, welcomed me into her family, spent weekend after weekend with, who i moved just 2 weeks prior to be closer with…. has just shut me out. No reasonings, no nothing. I told her what she was doing was almost cruel and to do let me know what happened so i can start to rebuild my life. Nothing. nothing at all. of course i can only assume she got the letter today, and it’s too soon for a reply, but i’m gutted. absolutely devastated than firstly the friendship is over and secondly she could treat me like this, when i have never spoken poorly of her, never lied to her and have done everything in my power to support and protect her. other friends are saying i was too goo for her and she didn’t deserve me…. that doesn’t help. Because i still think the world of her. i just think this 3rd party has made up a blatant lie, and i will never get the opportunity to state my case. Even though i havent got one. I have experienced every possible emotion i’m sure. I would do anything to spend 15 minutes with her and sort this out. I don’t think this will ever happen. is it possible to be so cruel to someone who just the week before you were telling you think the world of? is she hurting as much as me. I would appreciate some sort of guidence, or advice as to where to go from here. I honestly feel my world is upside down. i couldn’t eat, sleep or work with hiow this has affected me. Now i’m back at work, i’ve moved back to my prior residence but when i’m at home, alone all i want to do is take 2 sleeping pills and sleep. Because it doesn’t hurt when i sleep. others try to invite me out, want to keep me company. But all i want to do is be alone. And talk to the one person who can answer my questions. I can accept the friendship is over, I just want to know why?

    4.27.2012 @ 5:20 am
    55
    Sorry Fiend said,

    This may seem odd, but I am one of those people who just leave without saying anything. Perhaps they, like me, moved and perhaps they, like me are afraid of email and phones (it’s not as far fetched as it may sound). If there are people who do that, know within your heart that it is (probably) not you. They have their own, horrible issues and lives to deal with. They probably have been hurt so many times in the past that they couldn’t get invested in the relationship in the first place (that might hurt reading that). If they don’t just hate goodbyes, they may even know it’s cruel to not say anything but just can’t summon up the energy to care about anything anymore. I imagine they have deep psychological issues (depression and the like). IT’S (probably) NOT YOUR FAULT!

    I can’t really speak for the other people who act this way, but I’m sorry that my own behavior has caused pain in the world.

    7.7.2012 @ 7:24 am
    56
    Alexandra said,

    I stumbled across your blog after searching for “grieving the loss of a friendship.” This morning I was in tears over thinking about the loss of a friendship that happened 3 years ago. My heart still aches and I needed advice. I am holding on to too much hurt and need to let it go. What you have gone through really helped me put things in a new light and I thank you for sharing your experience. And I also found an awesome new blog and artist! I am a mom to 2 dogs and 1 cat and I am totally in awe of the beauty of your pet portraits.

    7.7.2012 @ 11:58 am
    57
    Loz said,

    Well I heard from her…. Got a few answers…not all… it was the third party… however she believed the lies… we agreed to talk again in a couple of weeks… and now she wont answer my calls again… so back to square one… however at least now I can have the closure I need and deserved. It’s incredibly cruel to cut someone off with no answers. Possibly the cruelest thing someone could do. My advice to comment 55, is to write a text. No one deserves that… you wouldn’t treat an enemy as such. Perhaps you have never had a true friend. Friends will be there and support one another through anything and everything. I guess time does heal, to an extent, but if someone has put the time and energy and effort into loving you the least you can do is be honest. Even if you haven’t got all the answers then at let them know that. They only thing I can compare the way I felt was like someone you love and care deeply for missing. Not knowing if they are deal or alive, and never knowing. Imagine that pain. At least my “friend” had the decency to give that to me, after 3 months, but at least i got that. If i never get anymore I can be thankful for that. It was enough for me to start to move on……. And I just have to continue to believe that good things happen to good people…

    7.11.2012 @ 7:22 am
    58
    Thurman said,

    Sometimes you do stupid things to lose a friendship. You take a friendship with the opposite sex to the next level and then find that maybe you should not have done that but then you can’t go back….and then you don’t know what to do. That was my mistake.

    Then you find that you can’t talk about everything like you used to and conversations change.

    Now here I am without my friend and it hurts…. I could see the end coming….and now its here. I didn’t realize how much she filled my life in just the daily conversations. We tried to go back to just being friends but I guess we both knew there was more there. She always looked for a excuse to believe that it was not but she knew it was as I did but would not admit.

    Now she is gone….and I miss her.

    7.24.2012 @ 12:29 pm
    59
    Josef said,

    Great advice you shared here. Thanks much. Today I choose to honor a friend who has chosen to exit my life.

    8.13.2012 @ 10:16 am
    60
    Alice said,

    :cat: My oh my oh my how I can relate to most of what’s been experessed. I came across this blog as I was Googling “Death of a Friendship”. At the moment I have a very fractured friendship. Sadly I dumped my grief of a loss on her and shouldn’t have. She has pulled away…no letters…no phone calls…no email…what makes it harder we’re a few states away in distance so it’s not like we can sit down and just talk. What rings in my head and heart so much is her words among so many “we’re friends no matter what !” This friendship isn’t that old…maybe 3 years but be really connected right away. I feel as though this relationship is on life support and if anyone is going to pull the plug it will be her. I’ve said I was sorry for any anxiety I coused her and can she forgive me….no response from her…all those touching expressions of friendship seem so hallow now…
    Thanks for your blog…know that your words are very comforting…even several years later…I hope you’ve been able to heal from your experience.

    8.16.2012 @ 5:06 pm
    61
    Daniel said,

    Hello,
    I know I’m about 4 years too late, but I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading this post. I found it by searching for “loss of friendship”. I have my own “lost friendship” story, much like you and the other people who have commented here.

    The end of my friendship didn’t occur recently, but it’s been on my mind lately. It’s comforting to see that the sadness I’ve been feeling over this lost friendship isn’t an isolated experience – that there are other people with similar experiences: the feelings of loss, the lack of a sense of closure, the uncertainty of why the friendship is over, etc.

    11.11.2012 @ 7:03 pm
    62
    linda Palley said,

    apperciate this blog on friendships….

    I am in the process of saying good bye to a 20 year friendship

    we have little in common now as our kids are grown….when we do get together especially with other mutual friends it feels more like a mutual admiration society and striving contest, than a real expression of intimacy…..
    I have been very frustrated with this woman.. I wrote her a heartfelt letter expressing that I am anxious when around her and so forth…her response? she has big social anxiety
    and is afraid of me…..

    I do not notice that she is particularly afraid of others in our circle…..
    also she constantly puts down one child and puts the other on a pedestal….adult children….and it offends me.

    it is all very sad….we had some good times in the past but it has not felt right for a while….

    thanks for this blog and posting place……

    11.29.2012 @ 3:24 pm
    63
    Subrinia said,

    I lost my friend 4 days ago. I thought the world of him and he threw me under the bus. I can’t understand for the life of me why did he turn on me. We would have really great conversations and we would laugh together and now nothing.
    I feel sad and hurt. I’m at a loss. I worshiped him and he just turned on me. What do I do now? Will I ever know why he did this??? :brickwall:

    12.5.2012 @ 4:22 pm
    64
    Kelly said,

    I can relate so much to these posts. I lost a 12 year best friend recently which breaks my heart. This friend and I were like family. We always called each other sister from anotha motha. We spoke a couple times a week, emailed regularly and got together for weekend visits a couple times a month. Our lives were very paralleled, we both had marriages that were rocky, we both had health issues and both of us were down so we turned to each other for comfort.

    This past year my marriage, after almost ending, became stronger than ever. After almost losing it we both realised we needed to repair it and worked hard to do so. We also started doing better financially (we had been for a while but i didn’t want to spend any of it in case we divorced) and we were able to do a lot of renos to our home, get a large pool, hot tub etc. my health also improved and for the first time in a lobg time i was happy.

    I thought my friend would love coming over and using it as she stayed over at least two weekends a month. I had visions of the two of us hanging out by the pool drinking vino. She came once and never again. She bitched that the pool made her dizzy. She then told me she joined a gym near her home that also had a kidney shaped salt water pool only it was bigger than mine and she didn’t have to maintain it. She also told me to watch that I didn’t have cancer when I lost some weight from swimming every day.

    She told me her marriage was coincidentally better too although I could tell she was lying as I felt her anger and sadness. She started being competitive like I told her I wished my town had a Starbucks and she started talking about how her area had 5 and she would email me from them (saying just enjoying a cappucino at starbucks) or she would make elaborate plans and cancel them at the last minute so that my friends would ask me if my canceling friend canceled. And 9 times out of 10 she did. And there is a lot more stuff like that that happened including cancelling on me the last time because I told her i was free from 12:00 pm and she said she didn’t want to come that late in the day (normally she would come at 11:00).

    Finally I pointed it out to her after 6 months Of canceling on me very nicely that she did it often and she sent me an email that said ‘”our friendship has gone downhill”. It felt like a knife in my heart because I hadn’t changed at all she had. I kept calling even after that and leaving loving messages saying if she was down I was there for her. That nothing had changed. But alas she dumped me. It was like trying to save a drowning and having to watch it sinking, so helpless. She did admit she was so sensitive just before she did it and she didn’t understand why. Sadly, nor do I.

    1.31.2013 @ 2:04 pm
    65
    Kelly said,

    P.s. Liz if you are still around let me know how you are doing. It will help me get over this supposed sister too. I felt your pain and it’s the way I feel now…

    1.31.2013 @ 4:38 pm
    66
    Kelly said,

    Oops I meant Loz :/

    1.31.2013 @ 4:50 pm
    67
    Kathy B. said,

    Friendship is a funny thing and so very sad when long term ones end for seemingly no reason…and no opportunity to talk things out….here is a site that can be of some encouragement…
    https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/TheFriendshipBlogConnection/

    1.31.2013 @ 8:36 pm
    68
    Jayne said,

    I have been friends with a girl who lives 5 houses away for 12 years and it was the closest friendship ever. She would call me every day, 3 hour long calls, we had lots of fun adventures together and then last year she returned about 1 text in 10, barely rang, went away after Christmas and did not get me a gift but sent a text saying how much she loved my gift to her, she went overseas and came back a week ago and I have not heard from her since. I thought she must be too busy to call and text but today another local mum ( who my friend always found needy and annoying) was gloating about a text she got from my best friend.

    I want to move on but it’s my BF birthday in 2 weeks…not sure what to do…

    2.4.2013 @ 1:49 am
    69
    Kelly said,

    Jayne,I know how you feel but I’ve come to understand that a real friend would not treat you that way. She doesn’t deserve you if that is how she’s being. Sometimes unbeknownst to us, friends can be jeolous of us and a way to get back is to hurt you this way. These are not real friends. It hurt so bad when my BFF behaved this way (yesterday I found out it was because she was jeolous of my life) but I feel so much happier with each day because I deserve better. So do you. For her birthday send her an email that just says happy birthday and something commonplace in one line like hope you have a nice year, if you feel guilty but personally I wouldn’t even bother. Then drop her and find more friends that don’t play mind games. She doesn’t deserve you.

    2.4.2013 @ 3:25 pm
    70
    Candice said,

    I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how much I love you and absolutely APPRECIATE you for writing this AMAZING piece with nothing less than your ENTIRE heart! I too have gone through this breakup (mid AND long-term), and because of the fact that I could actually FEEL your words to my very core having experienced all of these things myself, I literally broke down into some much-needed, long overdue tears halfway through your article. There was one part (out of many, actually) that had me shouting “AMEN to the top of my lungs!” When you said, ” A number of days pass where there’s no connection at all, then you talk but it’s rapid fire, and the fakeness is so thick you can hardly wait to get off the phone and replay the last several months in your head….” all I could do was close my eyes, throw my hands in the air, shake my head and MARVEL at how you totally described that entire scenario to PERFECTION. Not only are you a gifted writer, but you have the rare ability to give your reader soul permission to feel the entire emotional rollercoaster that accompanies these breakups with no reservation and no shame. I don’t know you, but my soul does and I love you. Thank you.

    2.10.2013 @ 4:57 am
    71
    Canaan said,

    It is comforting to read other people’s stories of friendship lost. I’ve done it all, and have had most everything done to me as well. I’ve abandoned relationships, and have had people abandon me. What I’ve learned is that friendships are fragile, regardless of how old they are. Sometimes older friendships are the most fragile. I think what sometimes happens is that old relationships build up resentments and misunderstandings just like marriages, and sometimes the ‘straw that breaks the camels back’ comes along and ends the relationship very quickly. When this happens, the abandonment is quick and painful. I certainly have had guilt about abandoning relationships and strive to not put myself in situations where this might occur by not letting misunderstandings get swept under the rug. Friendships also drift apart when people move, have kids or get married as the focus of the friendship shifts. I’ve had friendships drift away because I got tired of always being the one staying in touch. I know that when I was abandoned that it hurt something awful and I still think about these people. I know I abandoned relationships for various reasons, and I still often think about some of these people. In some cases I know I made a mistake and should of worked harder to keep the relationship. People are complex and the best all of us can do is try to understand our feelings, acknowledge our feelings and try to make the right decisions. I know that some of the decisions I made in the past are not the decisions that I would make now. That’s the tough part – living with decisions and getting on with life.

    2.18.2013 @ 9:45 pm
    72
    Subrinia said,

    I lost someone that I cared for maybe more than I should have. I made the mistake of telling my friend that I adored him. The next day I received an email from him letting me know that he was severing ties with me. This happen four months ago and I’m still hurt over this. I could understand if I had done something to him. If I had argued with him, but I told him that I adored him. I have to say this has made me rethink how I approach people especially men. My friend just walked away from me without a second thought. I try to go on and be my old self, but I never will. I will never be the person I was before. I ran into him about a month ago, he said nothing to me. He just looked at me like I was nothing and walked on. I was so hurt, I didn’t say anything either. What could I say? I want this pain the end. I want to forget and go on but I think about him everyday. I have never had anyone to cut all ties with me for telling them that I adored them. I would understand it better if I had cussed at him or something but I respected him and I trusted him and now he hates me. What did I do? Why did he turn on me like he did ? The “Why” question is the thing that haunts me the most.

    2.19.2013 @ 11:51 pm
    73
    Helen said,

    My friend and I had a minor argument about two months ago that resulted in her ceasing all communication with me. I reached out to her twice with an apology and got nothing but a wall of silence. I was devastated at first, but I then began to shift my perspective of the situation. I realized that I was emotionally bankrupt. If we think about the emotional and mental investments we make in our friendships as a kind of ‘currency’, it makes sense that we only have so much currency to go around. When a friend demands too much of it, we go broke. If we’ve exhausted our resources tending to one difficult friendship, we have nothing left for the other important people and priorities in our lives.
    I began to realize that this analogy not only suited my immediate situation, but described the friendship as a whole. My friend, I realized, was always high maintenance, demanding, self-absorbed and quite frankly, exhausting. So I guess the moral of the story is that in the economy of personal relationships, true friends should never drain your resources.

    7.7.2013 @ 7:42 am
    74
    Anonymous said,

    Helen, a few years ago, I was in the same position as your former friend. I felt a long-time friend had wronged me, ceased all communication with her and ignored her attempts to reconcile. She finally gave up. As time passed and my anger dissipated, I began to feel more keenly the loss of this long-time friendship. I eventually acknowledged the part I had played in the fracture, and was able to understand her position and forgive her. I came to realize my decision to stop communicating with her was cruel, cold and cowardly. I finally worked up the nerve to reach out to her and apologize, more than two years after the fracture. To my relief she accepted the overture, and we have now begun to tentatively re-establish our friendship. There’s a lot that remains unsaid between us, and we may never again have the same kind of easy intimacy shared between long-time friends, but I’m glad we’ve reconnected all the same.

    Helen, your friend may eventually get over her angry pride and decide to reach out to you. Only you can decide if she is worth another chance or not. It sounds like you’re starting to move on at any rate. Good luck to you.

    7.19.2013 @ 3:50 pm
    75
    Daniel said,

    Hello,
    I posted here previously (#61). Since my last posting, I emailed my lost friend (who I hadn’t spoken to in about 3-4 years), and basically told them everything on my mind – the feelings of regret I was having, how I wish I’d valued our friendship more, what I wish I’d done differently, etc. – My former friend responded to my email, and was glad I reached out. Even though that person & I are now both in very different places in our lives now and will probably never again be friends the way we used to be, it helped me a lot to have that email conversation with them. I think it gave me the closure I needed on the situation. Though I realize my particular situation might be different from the “lost friendship” situations of others posting here, I would definitely recommend reaching out to the lost friend (if possible) and saying whatever needs to be said to help you get closure on the situation. Even if the friendship can’t be saved, it’ll hopefully help you move on with your life without any lingering feelings of regret over things unsaid.

    7.19.2013 @ 10:03 pm
    76
    Loz said,

    Hi Kelly,

    Yes I’m still around. I check on here every now and then. In some ways this site helps, and it others it just reminds me of how sad I still am. I tried contact another couple of times, and now I just feel like a stalker!! so I won’t be reaching out any more. She’s made her decision and maybe one day she’ll reach out, but either way I know it’s not anything I’ve done. Something changed in her. I will never hate her, but I don’t have to like her right now. It’s been cold and cruel and had such and impact on my life probably because I never saw it coming. I’ve cut off contact from my other close friends, both of which were toxic friendships when I think about it. But there comes a time where you need to feel valued in a friendship and when you feel taken advantage of that is very difficult to get past. I still miss the good times, and I hope they are happy in there decision. I just wish I had some answers and it wasn’t so incredibly lonely. I hope you are doing well also. :)

    7.22.2013 @ 6:41 am
    78
    Tiffany said,

    I read your story, and I am going through ending a friendship that I thought would never end, we were best friends since the day we met when we were 13, we are 42 now. I am not going to go through the details, because there are 2 sides to every story, and I’m sure she has her side. But right now, I am the one that is avoiding her calls, I won’t go someplace I know she is going to be. Tonight I am going to ask her if she even noticed. And if she did, was she EVER going to even ask me what’s wrong, what would prompt a friend of 29 years to pull so far away, and then I am going to end the friendship, because I can’t take the fact that this was someone I thought was a true friend, and would be till the end, kind of friend, but it turns out she’s not. But for all of the commentors, if this is happening to you, you might want to “grow a set” and ask that friend what is going on. Because it is not an easy thing to do. I miss our friendship terribly. Your friend just might be sitting back waiting for you to make the first move, and since you didn’t, she knows where she stands.

    1.23.2014 @ 5:21 pm
    79
    Kelly said,

    Loz, sorry you are still hurting. I think losing a clise friend is extremely painful and the way your friend became was cruel. I learned that sometimes their are things going on that are outside of our control or that have really nothing to do with us. I had reached out to a friend quite a few times and didn’t understand why she was cold lately. Well this week I attended her funeral. It turned out she was suffering from depression and bulimia and I never knew. She died when her organs failed as they couldn’t handle her eating issues. Sometimes people shut us out and it has nothing to do with us. I recently reconnected with the friend above. She reached out to me and I wasn’t ready then I reached out to her and she wasn’t ready then finally she called me and gave me a heartfelt apology. She had been going through menopause and was angry at everyone and suffering from depression and it had nothing to do with me though her behavior appeared so. Though I’m still cautious we are slowly rebuilding our friendship but I will never let it slide into the problems we had before. We’ve both grown up too and want different things. Anyway I have other close friends now too and finally feel happy in that department.

    One thing that really helped me is finding people with similar interests and making new friends that way. I am a writer and started going to a lot of writing groups and that helped me heal. If you have a hobby maybe a group can help. Good luck Loz!

    1.24.2014 @ 9:13 am
    80
    Susie said,

    Everyone here sounds like they would make good friends and its too bad many people who commented have been hurt. I have posted here before and honestly reading my previous posts makes me cringe a little. I wanted to update my story. A couple years ago my aunt passed away and at that time E and I were still not talking. But after my aunt died, I went to go see E and get some closure. One day in January 2012, I drove by her office and saw she was there. So I walked in and talked to her. I said I was sorry for certain things but also expressed I had been hurt by her and I had been thinking about her. She told me that she had lost a major client and that she had to move in with her former boyfriend who is 15 years older and is verbal abusive (there relationship is a roller coaster with him being verbally and emotionally abusive). I expressed concern and gradually E and I got closer again as friends. She and I did not work together but just got to know one another. That Easter E gave me a pearl pendant that I treasured ( I think it came from a relative). And we talked, texted, and saw each other a lot. I thought that E really changed and the dynamic was better. It was very special. Last year I went with E to the doctor when she found a lump- and ended up being ok. And I bought her a pedicure for her birthday. And she made a little care package for me for christmas. A few months ago E started to get more business and I was happy for her. She was hired by a furniture store to do their website. The women were about her age (mid fifties). E started to change. At the time I had been let go from a job so I was unemployed and pretty down. E wasn’t all that supportive and she started to take out her stresses on me. The “old E” started to come back. At times she would apologize and seem remorseful but she would do it again. It got to the point where E would treat me badly and wouldn’t apologize. Things came to a head a couple months ago. I asked E for help with some photos and she said to come to her office. I did and she was rude to me but nice to everyone else. I called her out on it. E and I had it out big time. I even told her that it seems like I care for you but you don’t care about me. I left very upset. Before I left E gave me a camera lens I wanted to borrow- just thrust it in my hands. So a week later I get a text with her asking for it back. She sounded very cold and mean. I tried to call her and she and I met up for lunch the week of thanksgiving. During lunch E was just rude and keep making snide remarks. I tried to talk with her and bring up how things were different between us. It was like talking to a wall. At the end of the lunch, E tried to hug me and I didn’t let her. I was so upset. What I should add to this: A few weeks back E had put some photos I had shot on her client’s web site. E admitted to me that she should have given me credit for the photos but just didn’t have the time. At the time it didn’t really bother me. But after how she treated me in her office that day- I thought I am going to tell those people that they were my photos I shot ( I had met them a couple times when E had introduced me. They had seen me take photos in their store). When I told them I had taken the photos, I said I know that E is doing a great job for you and I’m not trying to take anything away from her. And they understood and even asked me if down the road I could take a photo of them and use it in a post about thanking E for the work she had done for them. To this day, I still don’t know if E knew that I went in there. But anyway, after the lunch she and I had, I was pretty upset. I thought that maybe they had told E I went in there and talked to them about the photos. So I went into the store later that day to ask them. Of course E happened to be in there doing computer work for them. E was rude to me barely looked at me. I asked her if she could call me later and she did. During that phone call, E screamed at me and was very condescending. She got nasty with me. And the kicker was that E called me when she was still in the furniture store. At the beginning of the call she told me your on speaker phone after I had said how she treated me hurt me. And then I calmly asked her to take me off it. E totally lost it and began screaming at me all in her client’s place of business. I was totally undone. My friend whom I was with at the time was totally there for me and basically said what a witch. You were just a friend of convenience for her. Later that night I got a text from E that said to stop all the negative rhetoric. Really? The next day I wrote E a letter and dropped off some stuff she gave me at her office ( the day before Thanksgiving). And later that day I got an e-mail from her wishing me a happy thanksgiving. I didn’t pay attention to it. On Monday I got this terse e-mail from her saying thanks for my stuff back. You forgot the pearl necklace. A couple weeks later I went to see her and it ended up a disaster. I went to talk to her about how she was using a headshot I took of her on her website and how she used some of my photos on her client’s site but I wasn’t getting photo credit. E was nasty and she and I both said mean things to each other. I went to see her clients afterward and said I would like credit for these photos. And they understood and said well she is in charge of that. We will mention it to her but if you would like to use them on your own site, you can. An hour later E sent her clients an e-mail trashing me and making out like I was trying to get her. I wasn’t. So I went back to talk to them. And I talked to their employee (not the owners). I explained everything to her and she was so nice. On the way home, I called E and was like why did you do this? For five minutes I talked loudly let’s say and I just laid everything on the table. And I said the things you mentioned I do regret and am sorry for doing. I was also very very honest with her. And I said you are blaming me for everything and don’t forget you have your part in this too. I was so hurt and upset. Twenty minutes after she sent that first e-mail she sent a second one apologizing and saying she didn’t mean to infer anything bad about me, I was a good photographer etc… The next day she sent me an apology by text saying she didn’t mean to upset me and wished me a merry christmas and said I am a special and kind person. I didn’t respond cause I didn’t believe it was sincere. And I thought what is her deal?? A few hours later I got an e-mail from her so condescending and basically just stirring up a lot of crap about the photos trying to make me look bad. On the two e-mails she sent to them I responded and apologized to her clients for what had happened. After the new year one of the owners of the store called me and said we are taking down your photos- its nothing personal but we don’t want to be involved in this and we called E and told her the same thing. A few days after that I went to see E and I had the pearl pendant. She could barely look at me. E blamed me for everything. And when I told her how you have treated me has really hurt me she walked out of her office and drove away. The next day I texted her and I said I’ve been a good friend to you. I don’t understand this. What is going on? I stuck up for myself but not putting her down. She responded by saying everything was my fault, all I talk about is how she mistreats me, and that she needs space and I upset her, and that I didn’t acknowledge her birthday a week before christmas or the holidays this year. I responded by saying that I missed her on those days but I didn’t think she would have wanted to hear from me. E didn’t respond. A few days later I left a note at her office and I made her a birthday card and cards for Christmas and Thanksgiving. This was two weeks ago and I have heard nothing since. I do feel like she and I are over. Though E and I have had a turbulent friendship, this time I really did think things had changed. I guess I was wrong.

    1.25.2014 @ 12:39 am
    81
    Loz said,

    2 years on and I still feel terrible. I did something weak and stupid. I was going through a rough day, week and month. In a moment of weakness and not having anyone else to turn to. I rang my ex bestie. She didn’t answer, and I didn’t leave a msg. I shouldn’t have called but I was scared and didn’t want to be alone. (Medical issue). Then 2 days later, because she was the last person I had dialled, I accidently knocked the phone whilst driving and it started ringing. I heard her answer, panicked and hung up. She rang me straight back and left an extremely nasty msg. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t. I just explained my reasoning for calling and apologised via text. Why so I feel so bad? Perhaps it was that she was so angry? I would have never have done anything to upset her. I just feel stupid that I thought she might have been there in my time of need. Now though after that response I know I can move on. She is a very different person to the person who was my friend.

    7.5.2014 @ 1:02 am
    82
    Susie said,

    Hi Loz, I can empathize with you. It took a lot of bravery to reach out to your friend. I don’t think it was weak and stupid. It is totally on your friend for acting that way. That is her issue and shows what kind of a person she is. She doesn’t deserve a friend like you. It is her loss. People that act like your friend have no empathy and while I don’t wish anything bad on anyone, I think the way you behave toward others good & bad comes back to you. You are right for moving on. It takes time. But when someone acts like that, it is all you can do.

    7.5.2014 @ 12:34 pm
    83
    Daniel said,

    Hope you all manage to find some internal peace with these issues.

    7.22.2014 @ 10:13 am
    84
    Trisha said,

    I have been reading all these posts and it feels good that others feel like i do.
    I recently lost my best friend of 40 years. We were on and off the first maybe 10 then about 20 years ago we got back together after a death of a friend. Things have been getting more and more off track since 2011 when I had my weight loss surgery. What we had in common was going out to eat and I really cant go to restaurants because they serve too much food. So our friendship dwindled away a bit. But we kept in touch. We would go out to a movie now and then. Well about a month ago we had plans to get a salad at this local place and we made the plans on a Weds for a Sunday. Now mind you Karen has to be in control of everything so when I commited to go with her she likes rearranges her whole schedule with her husband and kids. This Sunday we were going she texted me and asked if we were still on and I really wanted to reschedule because I really didnt have the money. That is another thing she makes much more money than I do, but I didnt want to tell her that I didnt have the extra money I was embarrassed. So when she texted me I said well do you mind if we go the next Sunday instead. She went off on me. She said that I didnt have the decentcy to call her to reschedule and that since that was the case she was cancelling on me. This wasnt the first time she went off on me so I basically told her I didnt appreciate being spoken to that way yet again. She said she had alot on her plate etc.. I said I did too. I do I am busy all the time. So basically the last time she did it to me I called her the next day telling her I was sorry etc so we remained friends but I think this time she just really wanted it to end. It was so sudden and I am so hurt. But I wont beg her to be my friend. Am I wrong?

    7.22.2014 @ 2:15 pm
    85
    klb said,

    The comments here are precious. Yes, i am here, too because I think my friendship of nearly 15 years is dying. Probably no one ever that I have been so intimate with or share so deeply with. But also, over the last few years, have been hearing from her things that seem so unlike who she is. Hateful comments based on ignorance and irrational thinking. Rejecting things that she knows nothing about but refuses to learn before discounting it. It is parroting things from her religion. Yet, she is one of the kindest people I know. It really bothers me to hear those things. In many ways we have such different interests, beliefs outlooks yet have some core values in common. I am finding myself getting more and more annoyed by the things she says. More and more I have been growing this year more and more into widely different outlook and we are growing in different directions.

    We know each other’s warts. One of hers is she is a people pleaser and a compulsive doer to her own detriment and then burns out. Her idea of rest is like me on fast track. She is in burn out now including getting sick. Then tells me all the things she is doing all the while repeatedly getting sick. While she is sick, she is out running around taking care of people. The last time we communicated was over a month ago when she said she was too sick to call or write. Will no longer share with me like we have for the last 14+ years. Does not want to hear me say anything that is not joyful.
    So, I want to support her need for space. I do not call. I eagerly wait to hear from her how she is doing. Then the emails and texts start. Factual accountings of her activities, her to do list, her daily schedule, comments that she is taking care of herself, that she went to a family reunion and painted. None of which tells me how she is doing. Not one, how is your day? Then accountings of a crisis in the life relative of a friend of hers. Please pray. That really got to me. After sitting on hold, being told the new rules. say only positive things, don’t call me, I’ll call you. She dumps all this endless negative list of things she has to do and does not know if she can and then asks me to pray for her and this other person having a crisis.
    I look back at how very much we have always been there for each other. We were the first ones to call with little things both joys and tears, ups and downs. Now she says she can no longer do that because she is so tired all the time. Yet can not seem to quit the obsessive doing.

    Oh my……I think we have been growing in different directions over this last year. What has happened the last month or so I am feeling that we can not go back. That we have no more common ground with which to communicate. I am ready to let this one go but not sure how to do it. Let it die or say something. We have always known we were different in many ways yet always felt this deep connection and respect. I am losing the respect when I hear so many ignorant, judegemental irrational things from someone I always saw as so loving and kinds and non-judegemental. I feel sad and relived at the same time.

    8.2.2014 @ 4:18 am
    86
    Anonymous said,

    For KLB… I allowed a friendship of 20 years to die in much the same way that yours is now dying.

    I must tell you I now deeply regret that I did not do more to save the friendship. Long-term, intimate friendships are rare and precious things indeed, and they become rarer as we get older. At the same time, it does take two to keep a friendship , and its sounds like yours is on life support.

    I would tell her honestly how much you miss the closeness you once shared. Do not judge her, but tell her you are surprised to hear her express negative opinions about other people and beliefs she once tolerated. Ask her what has changed. Don’t avoid her to “give her space.” She may need friends more than ever now.

    Or you could just let the friendship die, but truthfully it sounds like you’re not ready to do that yet.

    Good luck.

    8.7.2014 @ 12:27 pm

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